Flesh
by Roxicet
Summary: "Do you want hipbones or pizza? Collarbones or sweets?" "It's not about beauty, it's about control. Don't give up on perfection." A harsh rejection from Sebastian triggers Ciel's war against his own body. Years later, can Sebastian reverse the trauma he caused so long ago? (Please read warning in the author's note!)
1. Prologue

Disclaimer: everything belongs to Yana Toboso. Inspired by _Wintergirls_ by Laurie Halse Anderson and _Letting Ana Go _edited by Beatrice Sparks, as well as personal events.

Trigger warning: Deals with eating disorders, including binging and purging.

Note: Kinda Ciel-centric. I don't know, I can relate to him more.

Flesh

Prologue

* * *

"You won't do it" a 13-year-old Claude Faustus jibed, elbowing Sebastian in the rib as he eyed his target. Ciel Phantomhive wasn't much to look at. More like something to laugh at if you asked them.

They called him Piggy Phantomhive behind his back, and to his face when they were feeling particularly cruel. Cursed with his 'baby fat' well into sixth grade, he often sat alone, not daring to speak to anyone lest they decided once more to launch an attack of harsh, scathing comments and physical assaults. It never worked.

"Twenty bucks says I will!" A fortune to an eight-grader, and just enough to give Sebastian the push he needed. It was simple: date Piggy for a week and make an easy twenty dollars. Easy for pretty, popular Sebastian Michaelis.

"You're on. One week."

"Fine!"

"Well? What are you waiting for? Go ask him?" Claude shoved his friend from his seat, toward the lonely corner of the lunch room where the unsuspecting boy sat.

Sebastian swallowed his nerves, silencing the part of his brain that screamed at him that this was too much, this was going to go too far, as he approached Ciel, the younger male seeming to bury himself into his lunch.

"Hey..." Sebastian said casually, noting how the chubby boy flinched before he met his eye.

"W-what do you want?" Ciel asked, his voice timid. He knew Sebastian Michaelis, everyone did. Handsome, popular, athletic, he could be spending his time with anyone his little heart desired, and he was here, with not-so-little-Ciel.

For a moment, Sebastian froze. The guilt gnawed at him, but it was now or never, and he had plans for that twenty bucks. Claude's stupid face when he had to hand it over gave him the final push he needed, and he plastered on a winning smile.

"You know, I think you're pretty cute." he replied, sitting down next to the younger boy.

Ciel blushed beet red, his hands shaking and his throat tightening. He thought _he_ was cute? A little butter ball like him? It couldn't be happening, he had to have tripped and bumped his head and fell into a coma or _something_. "Do you want to go out with me?"

Ciel froze, and time ticked by. "Well?" Sebastian urged, a delicate raven brow arched as a playful smirk graced his lips. How could the younger boy possibly resist?

Nervously, Ciel nodded, mumbling a quick okay before hiding his face in his lunch. Sebastian let out a chuckle before pecking the boy on his rounded cheek. "Good. You'll be my boyfriend, okay?"

"O-okay..." Ciel replied shyly, his face burning as his brain tried to process what had just happened.

It had been the longest week of Sebastian's life. Ciel clung to him like a lifeline, appearing next to him as he went from class to the next, seemingly out of nowhere. Claude had joked that the younger boy must leave class five minutes early just to make sure he was there to meet Sebastian when the next bell rang. He never even spoke, just stood there or walked with him with his head down and his cheeks glaring red, stumbling over his words whenever the older boy spoke to him.

At first Sebastian had wondered if there was something wrong with him, and he had asked once, only to be answered with a long line of stammering that finally ended with 'nothing, I'm fine.' He didn't have time for it, and his only saving grace was when he was finally released to get on his bus to go home. This was what he deserved, he supposed. It was no question, really, why Ciel acted the way he did, and Sebastian was only taking advantage of that. He could only be grateful that Friday was fast approaching, and he could finally be rid of Piggy once and for all.

"Um, so my mum was wondering if you'd want to come over for dinner...I mean, if you aren't doing anything else." Ciel couldn't meet his eyes, instead looking down at his worn tennis shoes. Sebastian could think of a million other things he would rather be doing than hanging out with the lumpy little parasite, but they all flew from his mind the moment those big blue eyes finally looked up into his. One dinner couldn't hurt, right?

"Uh, sure..." he replied with reluctance, turning away from the oceanic stare.

* * *

It was at 7 that night that his mom had dropped him off with no parting words aside from "call me when you're ready" before taking off down the street. Ciel's house was nondescript at best, a cookie-cutter design of the other houses in the suburban neighborhood, surrounded by lush bushes and lined with mums and gerbera daisies. Sebastian heaved a sigh, steeling his nerves before timidly knocking on the burgundy painted door. Maybe if he knocked quietly enough, no one would answer and he could just walk home, and the whole thing could be Ciel's fault.

"Oh, hi! You must be Ciel's friend." No such luck. The door swung open and Ciel's mother (Sebastian assumed, though it could have easily been his older sister) beamed down at him with those same damn sapphire eyes. She had an elegant face with high cheekbones and strawberry blonde hair tied up in one of those 'mom' updo's his own mother wore. She was dressed casually, in a plain white top and dark denim capris, and it helped Sebastian relax. At least Ciel didn't come from one of those up-tight families that wore evening gowns and tuxedos to dinner. "Come in, come in."She chirped politely, ushering him into the house.

"Thank you for having me, Mrs. Phantomhive." Sebastian said cordially. The woman giggled, her cheeks flushing pink as though he paid her some sort of compliment. Did this family not talk to other people or something?

"Well, aren't you sweet, but you can call me Rachel. Ciel is upstairs in his room, you two can play up there until dinner's ready."

The boy paid her one last smile before taking to the stairs. He didn't think to ask which room belonged to his supposed 'boyfriend', but it wasn't hard to spot the door with numerous stickers littering its surface. He only knocked once before entering.

"Ciel? I'm coming in-" Sebastian stopped short, his breath catching in his throat. He knew he should turn around, politely apologize and close the door behind him, but he couldn't.

Ciel had been in the middle of changing, halfway through pulling a dark blue t-shirt over his head. For all of their joking, the other boy's body wasn't as bad as Sebastian had thought. He was wide in the hips, a small amount of flesh spilling over the waistband of the boxers that peeked over the top of light blue jeans. It tapered up into a slightly slimmer waist, giving him an almost feminine curve to his body. Sebastian blamed the raging hormones of adolescence, but his finger twitched to grasp those hips and hold on tight.

A small gasp snapped him out of his trance, and he snapped out of it in time to see a crimson blush paint Ciel's rounded face as he, once again, stared down at his shoes.

"S-sorry, I didn't hear you knock. Um, you can sit down if you want." the younger boy murmured, gesturing to his perfectly made bed. Sebastian wordlessly moved to sit, but his eyes stayed stuck on Ciel as he visibly floundered for something more to say.

"Um, dinner should be ready soon, if you want-"

"Come here." Sebastian interrupted. Ciel stammered, but Sebastian merely commanded again, "Come here." His tone left no room for debate, and, now silenced, Ciel moved closer to Sebastian's spot on the bed. To his utter mortification, the older boy grasped him by his plush hips as he stood, pulling his body in close. Ciel's face was on fire, not use to such close and intimate proximity to another.

"You're so...soft..." Sebastian whispered, almost inaudibly. Sapphire eyes shot up to meet his. Ciel was hurt, to say the least, until he saw the look in Sebastian's face, the softness, the borderline fascination at the fact that Ciel wasn't skin and bones. Ciel, for once, felt like the pretty girl in the movies that was finally noticed by the cool jock, and he reveled in it. The chill up his spine, the heat in his cheeks, all the signs that his next move would be the right one. Slowly, ever so slowly, he eased in, silently cheering when Sebastian didn't pull away. Their lips were so close, so close to meeting in that long awaited moment of bliss.

"Boys! Dinner's ready!" Rachel's voice blared from the bottom of the stairway, shattering Ciel's perfect moment. Sebastian pulled away as though he were burned, eyes blinking wearily as he snapped out of the apparent trance he had fallen in. Was he really about to kiss Piggy Phantomhive, of all people? What about his standards? His pride? He could do so much better, and yet, here he was, close to making out with laughing stock of the school? The older boy silently thanked Ciel's mother, his saving grace from what could have been his most embarrassing moment. The moment he got home, he would call the first cute girl he could think of and hopefully wipe his memory of this whole night.

Dinner had gone better than he expected. The Phantomhives seemed nice enough, and Rachel was a wiz in the kitchen, whipping up a succulent pot roast with mixed vegetables and biscuits that Sebastian had loved. Vincent, Ciel's father, didn't say much, but Sebastian thought nothing of it. Conversation had been easy, and Sebastian quickly forgot about the would-be unpleasantness that would have been 'the kiss', even with Ciel making goo-goo eyes at him from across the table.

* * *

He thought nothing would change the next day, that everything would go as it had been, people staring at him as he held hands with Ciel through the crowded hallway of the school but otherwise staying silent. However, that was all before Claude managed to corner him at his locker between classes, leaning casually against the green-painted steel. He could tell by the look in his eyes that Claude was feeling particularly cruel, and that he wouldn't like the conversation that was about to take place.

"So, I heard you made out with your _boyfriend_ last night." The words slipped from Claude's mouth in a crude whisper and Sebastian felt his whole body lock up. His blood froze in his veins and his heart screeched to a halt before beating in overdrive. Who told him? It was supposed to be a secret, dammit! No one was supposed to know! Sebastian saw red as Ciel sidled up behind Claude, blissfully unaware, with a smile stretched across his chubby face. He latched onto Sebastian's arm, cuddling up to his chest and ignored the stares of the students around them.

"Are you coming over again tonight?" he asked, his cheeks flushed pink but his deep blue eyes bright with excitement. It was short-lived, however, as Sebastian snatched his arm away, recoiling when Ciel made another grab for him.

"Let go of me! What the hell are you telling people?" he shouted. He ignored the other students, who stopped to stare at the volatile scene unfolding in the hall.

Ciel stammered, his heart hammering in his chest. Had he done something wrong?

"W-what do you mean? I didn't-"

"Are you telling people I _made out _with you?"

"What? No, I wouldn't!"

"I heard him tell someone that you almost put _it_ in." Claude sneered, add fuel to the fire that was Sebastian's anger. The older boy couldn't think straight, the whole situation was spiraling out of control as he saw more than a few students starting to whisper behind their hands, undoubtedly about him.

"I did not! Sebastian, he's lying!" Ciel pleaded, trying once more to take a hold of the older boy's hand.

"I said let go!" Sebastian shouted. Something inside him snapped, and, without thinking, his arms lashed out before him, shoving Ciel to the hard linoleum floor. "As if I would touch a fucking _pig_ like you!" He spat, ignoring the sharp pang in his heart when tears visibly sprang to those big blue eyes. He had taken it too far, he knew, but he couldn't find it in him to care. He could hear the younger boy calling out to him, begging him to wait, to let him explain, as he stormed of to his next class. 'Whatever, let him fucking beg.' Sebastian thought cruelly. It was the least he could do after spreading those filthy lies around school.

* * *

A day went by, then two, then three, and no one had heard from Ciel. Once more, the hushed whispers of outrageous and less-than-true rumors fluttered throughout the halls of the school, that Ciel had barricaded himself in his bedroom, had moved far away, had died of embarrassment, and that it was all Sebastian's fault. Accusatory glares were sent his way, and fewer and fewer students seemed to want anything to do with him after he had so cruelly humiliated the poor boy in front of God and everyone.

"I don't get it, no one even gave a shit before then!" Sebastian whined in the confines of his bedroom, reclined against a battered old bean bag chair as he battled against Claude in the latest fighting game (bought, in part, with his gainfully earned twenty dollars).

"Yeah, well, you were kinda harsh. I've never seen you get that mad before." the other boy replied.

"Well, you heard the shit he was saying about me!"

Claude paused the game, much to Sebastian's confusion, before sitting up and shyly rubbing the nape of his neck.

"Yeah, about that...I never said _he _was the one who told me..." Sebastian sat, dumbfounded, for a moment.

"Then who the hell told you?" He asked quietly, silently deciding that he would like to hear a proper explanation before beating the living shit out of his friend.

"Well, no one _told_ me exactly..."

"What the hell, then why would you even say some shit like that!"

"I didn't think you'd get that mad!" Claude said in his defense, his face as stoic as always, as though it made complete and total sense to make up such a crass and bold-faced lie. "Besides, isn't that what you do when you go to your boyfriend's house?"

"He wasn't really my boyfriend, you ass! And I just went for dinner! God, now because of you everyone thinks I'm some kind of damn bully! You know I almost got benched for that crap?"

"Hey, I didn't tell you to go off on him and push him down, you did that on your own."

The boy heaved a sigh. As much as he hated to admit it, his friend was right. He had acted like an ass that day, not even giving Ciel a chance to explain, and now it was coming back to haunt him in spades. He only hoped that, the next day, he would see Ciel, sitting in his normal spot in the corner of the lunch room so he could march over and apologize, not only for his rash behavior, but for the whole cruel prank.

Except, Ciel never came back.

* * *

A/N: I swore I was not going to bed until I finished this. I know, Sebastian is a little butthole in this, but I promise he get's better. Come say hi to me at roxxicet dot tumblr dot com


	2. One

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Characters belong to Yana Toboso.

Note: Wow, I was NOT expecting the response I got from you guys. I'm really glad you like this story, because it has a special place in my heart. I'll spare you the details, because you're here to read a story, but I want you to know that your reviews mean so much to me.

Flesh

One

The brisk September air burned in his lungs as his feet pounded the concrete. Breath in, two, three, four, and breath out, then repeat. Ciel kept count in his head, keeping pace with his steps as the quaint little houses of the college town of Weston blew by. He reveled in the dull ache in his muscles, the heavy backpack weighing him down as he took his morning run to his first class. It didn't matter, every throb, every ache, meant another calorie melting off of his body. By the time he reached the campus, he would have sweated off his entire breakfast (all 258 calories of it)

Ciel used to hate running. His thighs would chafe, his lungs would ache, his face would flush crimson and drip with sweat, and he hated the way he could feel his stomach move with each step. When he went to school, he would cop out of running laps, saying that he felt an asthma attack coming on or that he forgot his inhaler, just to avoid the inevitable abuse of his peers, and from himself.

It was Lizzy, his cousin, that pushed him (more like bullied him) to run more. After a rocky divorce between his parents, Ciel was shipped off to live with his aunt Francis and uncle Alexis, who set him up in there guest room until the ugliness of lawyers and custody battles blew over. Lizzy was a dancer, and had been since she was young, and ran every morning to stay at the top of her game. Every morning she would plead with Ciel to run with her, and the few times he would indulge her, he failed miserably, dragging his exhausted body into the house behind his pretty, perfect, _skinny_ cousin, feeling even more fat and worthless than before. From then on, he politely declined each time Lizzy offered to take him with her on her runs, until one morning, she laid her brutal honesty on the table.

"What hurts worse, the pain in your body, or being called a pig?" Ciel had felt his throat constrict, his eyes water, and his heart clench at such harsh words, but she was right. It hurt no worse that the verbal barbs, the disgusted looks, or the awful pranks, and had he not survived those? "I love you, Ciel, and I want to help you become someone you can love, too." Lizzy had knelt in front of him with tears in her big green eyes, and Ciel had resolved to _try._

That had been three years and almost 13 kilograms ago. Three years of morning runs, calorie counting, and daily weigh-ins before and after showers had Ciel loving running. It was his escape from his life _now_, with its complicated family life, the pestering of his doctor aunt-cum-step mother, the constant absence of his father as he worked long hours at Weston College. His students' futures came first, and, before long, that became perfectly fine with Ciel. He only wished Angelina, his father's wife (he refused to call her otherwise) would be so immersed in her own career, perhaps then she wouldn't be so consumed in forcing Ciel to eat. It was hard enough sticking to his goal of staying under 1,200 calories a day without her shoving fattening meals and indulgent snacks down his throat. Lizzy would be appalled.

"Mummy always said: a second on the lips is a lifetime on the hips." she had once preached as she plucked a sugar cookie from Ciel's fingers. She had trained him well, and taught him that he didn't _need_ to eat everything on his plate, just enough to stay full is enough to stay beautiful.

Ciel turned down Main Street, where Weston College came into view. Its high bell towers and ancient steeple pierced the gray September sky, and Ciel could begin to hear the cacophony of voices of his peers as the crossed the wide expanse of grass that was the campus. Weston College was impressive, to say the least, with its historic buildings and lush greenery, exotic flowers and neatly trimmed topiary, all upkept by generous donations made by wealthy families that Ciel could only hope to meet. A state of the art cafeteria stood tall to the west of the quad, and the boy could practically smell the wide array of delicious (fattening, disgusting, vile) food that was undoubtedly prepared fresh every day, and at the front stood a glorious fountain, crafted of marble. It was truly a place a higher learning, and Ciel couldn't wait to begin.

Slowing to a jog, he pulled open the large metal doors of the Scarlet Fox building, house of all the liberal arts classes of Weston, and where Ciel had hoped to spend most of his time. Inside was a lot less intense, the hall quiet and seemingly devoid of life. Instantly Ciel felt calmer, he shoulders relaxing as he made his way through the massive halls to his first class, Sociology. It wasn't his ideal course, he was less than interested in how the masses of society seemed to develop out of control and implode on themselves, but hey, easy A and studying the social structure was a perfect excuse to skip the awkward meals between his father's wife and himself.

It was a short walk to the classroom he was assigned, and he quickly settled himself into a seat in the back, being one of the first to arrive. He immediately pulled out his laptop and opened the tab to his favorite blog, feeding his boredom with photos of online friends he could only hope to meet in real life.

Flesh was an online message board, a collection of posts that provided inspiration to be perfect. It was a daily ritual, one Lizzy had introduced to him once, in the middle of the night, long after the rest of the house had gone to bed. She spoke in hushed tones about how the girls and boys were so pretty, so perfect, and how supportive they had been when she had her 'bad days', when she felt too big and slipped up. Everyone hid behind cute little monikers relating to their ultimate goal: to be thin, to be beautiful. She showed him her page, decorated in true Lizzy Middleford fashion with high amounts of pink and sparkles, and convinced him to make his own, and ever since then he had been Piggy-No-More. His every spare moment was spent updating his online food diary, venting on his urge to binge, and supporting others who were slipping up, who had binged, who had _failed._

_September 3rd_

_9:12 am_

_Breakfast:_

_-Plain oatmeal (blarg)_

_-Large banana_

_Total intake: 258 _

_Exercise: 20 minute run_

_Net intake: 58 _

_Had a TERRIBLE breakfast. Thank God for running! Now to try to steer clear of the cafeteria..._

Instantly the comments came pouring in.

_Way to go, Piggy!_

_Stay strong, Piggy, you can do it!_

_Yuck! No to cafe food!_

It was a warming feeling, like those people were standing behind him, cheering him on in his struggle to stay better that he was, to keep life brighter than it had been _back then._

"Wow, you're so little! What's your secret?" the dark haired male snapped the laptop shut and twisted in his seat, coming face to face with a pair of wide, electric blue eyes.

Alois was fascinated the moment he saw him, from those long, svelte legs all the way up to the nearly black, messy hair. He reminded him of those super models that graced the runway with their willowy, graceful frames. He simply _had_ to know how he did it.

"Well? What is it?" Alois pressed. "Green tea? Detox baths? Coffee extract, because you know-"

"No secret, I just run. A lot." The boy cut him off. Rather rude, but no matter.

"Of course." the blond scoffed, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms. "If we could all be so lucky. I wish I had the time to run around all day, but _my boyfriend_ keeps me so busy." Alois smirked, seemingly in triumph.

Triumph at what, Ciel couldn't say. So what he had a boyfriend? Ever since _that day_ Ciel saw no point in steady relationships. One heartbreak was enough, and he was perfectly satisfied with his sordid one night stands, thank you very much.

"I'm Alois, by the way. And you are..."

"Ciel."

"Nice to meet you! I can already tell we'll be the best of friends!"

His tone told Ciel that he clearly had little choice in the matter.

Alois was a talker, that much was clear from the little time Ciel had known him. He prattled on about his nameless boyfriend, going as far as to include little tidbits of their sex life (that he really could have done without)

"He's in a fraternity, you know. They let me live in the frat house with him. He's a junior, but he may graduate early. He's even got a job lined up and when he graduates, we'll be looking into buy a house! Isn't that exciting?"

"I bet." Ciel deadpanned. He had never been force-fed useless information before, and he didn't know how to handle the rapid pace at which Alois was talking his ear off. The two sat silently all through the class period, Ciel switching between taking notes and browsing Flesh, while Alois seemed to take notes and stare off into space, but as soon as the class was dismissed, the blond had started in on him, firing fact after fact about his own life, and, once in a while, asking Ciel about his own (without waiting for a response)

"Oh, you have to meet him! I'm meeting up with him in cafeteria, you simply have to join us!" the blond exclaimed, tugging Ciel in the direction of the very place he had been hoping to avoid. The smells hit him instantly, making his stomach turn and his brain grind to a halt. The cafeteria was set up in different stations, from American food, to sushi, to a breakfast bar, and all sorts of sweet (greasy, vomit inducing, decadent) snacks in between. "Let's get something to eat, first, I'm starving!"

Alois pulled Ciel through the many stations, picking through the wide selections of different meals. The blond ordered a short stack of pancakes from the breakfast bar, loaded down with maple syrup in butter, and wouldn't rest until Ciel picked something for himself. The boy settled for hot tea and a small garden salad (total: 127 calories) The blond seemed satisfied enough, shooting him a charming smile before marching to a table where two older men sat.

A sense of dread washed over Ciel, as something about the two rang eerily familiar, even though he had yet to see their faces. Alarms rang in his head, and he could swear he could hear those damned whispering voices, though very faintly.

"Ciel, this is my boyfriend, Claude, and his friend, Sebastian. Guys, this is Ciel!"

* * *

Sebastian's heart tightened in his chest. Eight years later and he still felt an enormous guilt wash over him in waves. For a moment, he almost didn't recognize him. The love handles had seemed to melt away to a trim waist, the baby fat giving way to long, lean legs. His arms thin and sinewy, tapering down to small, elegant hands. His face had thinned out, giving it a rounded, innocent look, and his slender neck was simply begging to be kissed. It was like he was a completely different person.

But those eyes, those big blue eyes were all he needed to see to know for certain. Sebastian had a quick flash back of those eyes, the way they had stared up at him in admiration, in adolescent lust. But now they only stared back at him in terror, and he could practically see those small hands shake as he tried to hold onto his tea and salad.

"Come on, sit! Sit!" Alois shoved the other boy into an empty chair, right across from Sebastian. The older man cast a desperate glance to Claude, begging him to say _something_, anything that would make this whole nightmare instantly end.

"So...Alois," Sebastian started slowly. "How did you and Ciel meet?"

"We're in Sociology together. I saw him and just _knew _I had to talk to him, so I did and we hit it off right away, right, Ciel?"

The blue-haired boy didn't respond, opting, instead, to stare downward and pick at his salad. A lump formed in Sebastian's throat, and, for once, he was grateful that Alois was doing all the talking. What could he possibly say? Eight years ago, he had prepared a speech on how wrong it had been to do what he had done, how sorry he had been, but all of that was before he had a chance to really _think _about it, to let the guilt really sink in that _he _had been the sole reason Ciel had left school, humiliated and ashamed.

"Oh my gosh, Claude! Tell Ciel about that kid from middle school, the one you paid Sebastian to date!" Dammit, Alois!

Ciel's head instantly shot up, sapphire blue locking with crimson. It didn't need to be said, the horrid truth was out.

"Alois, we don't really-" Claude had tried to intervene, but the blond was on a role.

"Listen, I guess Claude bet Sebastian, like, twenty dollars that he wouldn't date this fat kid for a week. It's so fucking immature, right? I'm so glad they grew out of that childish bullshit." Alois shook his head before digging into his pancakes, seemingly unaware of the awkward silence.

Sebastian wanted to crawl into a hole. It was one thing to think about it, to push it to the back of his mind, but hearing it, out loud, after all this time hurt. It made him feel physically ill. But it was nothing compared to the look that Ciel was giving him. Through those eyes, he could see his heart breaking all over again.

"That's all I was worth to you?" He whispered, full lips trembling as he tried his hardest to hold back tears. He had faced the fact that he had lost Sebastian long ago, that he had been to clingy, that he had told the wrong people about his almost-kiss. But he never once thought that he had been the butt of such a cruel, heartless joke. "That was all I was worth to you?! Twenty _fucking _dollars?!" Ciel shouted, his sorrow quickly turning to anger. Without thinking, he picked up the remainder of his salad and hurled it at the older male, Watching the wilted, warm lettuce fall from his raven hair offering only slight penance for his aching heart, before stomping off, slamming through the doors of the cafeteria.

He skipped the remainder of his classes, not caring at all to miss class rules or how essay were expected to be formatted. He ran all the way home, stormed past Angelina, ignoring her questions as he slammed his bedroom door and threw down his backpack before slowly sliding to the carpet. His body felt cold, his lungs constricted, and the plain white walls of his room spun in circles. His heart raced and all he could think was how his life had seemed to spiral out of control after that day, like being shoved to the cold hard ground had set off a tremor in his life that uprooted and rearranged everything until nothing made sense. The same lack of control hit him again, and he slowly made his way to his bed on shaking legs, curling in on himself and sinking into the mattress as he silently prayed that Sebastian wouldn't destroy his life once again.

* * *

A/N: It's easily been two years since my last panic attack, so I hope I described it at least somewhat accurately. Also, I'm still trying to get the hang of formatting. It's sucking pretty hard for me right now. Please tell me if you like it, and come say hi to me on tumblr! I'd love to talk to all of you!


	3. Two

Disclaimer: Characters belong to Yana Toboso.

A/N: I appreciate ALL of the reviews I get, but I specifically want to thank Strawberryrabbitcream (that's a mouthful!). They gave me really good advice on how to improve this story, and I'm going to try my damnedest to put it to good use. Also, because I'm terrible at witty references, The Goose refers to Grey Goose, a 'top shelf' brand of vodka.

Flesh

Two

_Piggy-No-More's Blog_

_12:13 am September 4__th_

_ Apparently they're called triggers? Those people or places or moments that snatch the air from your lungs and crippled you until you broke and fell to your knees?_

_ I met my 'trigger' for the first time in 8 years, completely on accident. Sitting there with the same stupid fucking friend and the same stupid, fucking gorgeous face and body and eyes and those hands that make you want to melt and burn your skin off at the same time and I'm rambling, aren't I?_

_ Anyway, it was nothing short of awful. My heart still hurts every time I think of those damned dreadful (beautiful) terracotta eyes glaring at me and that perfect mouth sneering at me as though I were a low-life. How those hands that had held me close curled up like he wanted to hit me. He called me a pig. Said that he would never want to touch someone as disgusting as me. He was right. He was right then, and he's right now. I'm no where near where I want to be. I still feel disgusting, I still feel too heavy, too gross, too FAT. _

_ Lowering my calorie goal tomorrow. I NEED to shake this fat. In the meantime I'm going to eat myself into oblivion._

_Comments:_

_weigh-2-go:_

_Don't do it! Brush your teeth, take a shower, take a walk, but stay strong!_

_Tinydancer:_

_I'm so sorry, darling, but don't quit! We're here for you!_

Ciel wasn't at all prepared to face the day. His throat was scratchy and raw, his eyes still burned from the onslaught of tears, his muscles still felt weak, and he felt an almost irrepressible urge to gorge himself, but in the end he had refused to stay in bed feeling pathetic, even in the late hours. He had spent much of the night ambling about the house, trying to distract himself and,more importantly, his stomach, cleaning every surface and rearranging every knickknack. He tidied up his room to an almost obsessive-compulsive state, every scrap of clothing in a drawer or his closet, every piece of paper balled up and tossed away, and the vacuum cleaner ran three times in each and every nook and cranny before his father finally pounded on his door at one in the morning, shouting for him to shut up and go to sleep.

Even after the harsh command, Ciel stayed awake, idly biding his time with text messages to Lizzy.

"Are you really letting him bring you down like this?" She had asked in an outraged whisper, and Ciel could hear the tears in her voice. Having her care so much for him made him want to cry all over again, but the very thought was exhausting.

"I don't know what else to do! I saw him and everything just came rushing back! I felt like I was back on the floor in the hallway..."his voice trailed off as his throat tightened.

"Think how far you've come! You aren't that fat little boy he used to pick on, and all you have to do his show him that!"

"How in the hell do I do that? I'm not a woman, I can't just shake my arse and have hot men fall all over me."

"Why can't you? I've seen your arse, it's pretty cute."

"I thought we weren't going to talk about that again..." Ciel laughed for the first time all day, knowing for a fact that Lizzy was blushing scarlet on the other end of the phone. Regardless, she laughed too.

"The Goose makes me do dreadful things, and that is the last I'll say of it." She giggled. Ciel instantly felt a sense of calm wash over him, as though the trials of the previous day hadn't even happened. "Listen, Ciel, you've come a long way since then. You should be proud of the changes you made, not running and hiding from some bully."

"He's not just some bully, Lizzy. I thought..." Ciel paused, trying to clear the ever growing lump in his throat. "I really thought he cared about me. I loved him..."

"You were only with him for a few days..." The words weren't harsh, the boy could appreciate that much. But she didn't understand. He had been so hungry for affection during his childhood, ached for it every time he saw the happy little couples holding hands in the hall. Every day he had wished that someone would look at him the way Sebastian had, with determination, with fire, with a passion that screamed _you are mine!_

"You don't understand...it's complicated." he sighed. She would never understand. Elizabeth had always been _cute_, maybe not skinny _enough_,but always an acceptable weight, just small enough to skirt the crude comments and harmful pranks. She had never been called a _pig, _never been tricked into falling in love, never shoved around or pushed or bullied. _She also never _ate _her emotions, _the small voice in the recesses of Ciel's mind chided. Fair enough.

"Perhaps...but do you plan to do? Drop out because on one person who was mean to you in middle school? Are you going to explain _that_ to your father?"

"Well, it sounds awful when you say it like that..."

"The point is, you can't avoid this guy forever. Weston isn't _that _big, you're bound to run into him again, and you can't keep having break downs every time you do!"

"You're right..." Ciel didn't know what else to say. He couldn't afford to go to another college ( a thought he had tossed around his mind during the hours he spent cleaning) and Weston, for all its pomp and glory, was only so big. Ciel could avoid the cafeteria for the rest of his college career (and now, he planned to) but that didn't mean that he wouldn't pass Sebastian in the halls or walking across the quad.

"Of course I am. Now what I suggest is you get some sleep, wake up bright and early, wear your hottest clothes and step onto that campus as though you _own _it! What happened to the Ciel who stayed here, the one I was going out and rolling in the hot tub with?"

"Yeah..."He mumbled. The last summer Ciel had spent with the Midfords had been one of his best, in his honest opinion. He held his heart close, playing coy as men smooth talked their way next to him, taking his hand and waxing romantic. He tumbled beneath the sheets with no fear of heartache or rejection, only the fear that, whoever the lucky bastard had been, he wouldn't have to see his face before sneaking out the next morning as the sun rose. They had their fair share of experimentation, popping Xanax on late nights before walking the neighborhood to seedy convenience stores where they conned men into buying them liquor with a quick flash of milk-white skin, or rolling on a hit of acid as the bubbles of the hot tub tickled their skin to a pretty bright pink. That summer, insecurity was little more than a thing of the past, and he had almost forgotten that the incident eight years ago had even happened. He had almost forgotten that his whole _life_ before his dramatic weight loss had even happened. He had never been Piggy Phantomhive, his aunt had never split his parents up, he had never heard the name Sebastian Michaelis of Claude Faustus, and he had certainly never been anything less than the slender, perfect Ciel he had been when he was far away from Weston.

Why did that have to change? Who said he had to go back, to be the helpless little slob he had been in middle school, to eat his emotions when they were anything short of wonderful? Something died in him on the floor of that school, and it took years, and miles upon miles of running, before he had gained it back, no, gained something _ better_. He loved himself now, and no punk ass frat boy was going to take _that_ away from him. Not again.

"Ciel, get some sleep. Don't think about it anymore. You were so excited to start school there, don't let some arsehole ruin it for you. Good night." Ciel hung up with little more than a quiet _good night_, and though his body was still buzzing with pent up tension, he rolled over and closed his eyes with new resolve to start over. His first day back in Weston was nothing short of a disaster, but tomorrow _would_ be better. It just had to be.

* * *

"I swear to God, Sebastian, if you ask me again, I'm going to staple your fucking mouth shut." Alois sneered through gritted teeth.

"I wouldn't be asking you if you had kept your fucking mouth shut!"

"How the hell was I supposed to know he was the kid you fucking bullied? This is exactly what you get for being a little shit!"

Sebastian was nearly reduced to getting on his knees and begging. Ever since he had spent the remainder of the day picking wilted lettuce out of his hair, he couldn't keep his mind off of Ciel. He still couldn't wrap his head around the idea that that was little Piggy Phantomhive, the chunky kid they had tormented in middle school. He was loath to admit that, even eight years later, even the faintest amount of guilt ate away at him. Even if he had never looked into those crystal blue eyes and saw the pain that swam in them, even if he hadn't heard the pained rage in that lilting voice, he would still feel that gnawing guilt of the type of person he had been. He had been old enough to know better, to know that people were fragile, to recognize the sad, lonely look on his face when other had pointed at him, whispering behind their hands or laughed at him in the gym locker room. But Ciel could have probably forgiven all of that.

However, blatant heartbreak, being used, those things Sebastian knew weren't so easily forgiven. That didn't mean he wasn't going to try.

Once Sebastian had gotten over his embarrassment, his rage, one instance stood out in the short time he played Ciel's boyfriend. That time, in the bedroom, holding Ciel's plump hips in his hands. The feeling that shot through him, though momentarily, stuck with him all those years, and though he had felt the throes of lust before, he had never quite felt such..._possession _over a person before. Something in the recesses of his mind whispered to him that _here_, on these hips were where his hands belong.

He wanted that feeling again. He craved it, and, even though he flitted through throngs of women and men to find it, something in him knew he would only find it if he could get close to Ciel again, and he knew that he could only do that with Alois' help.

"Can you just...talk to him?" Sebastian pleaded. Alois heaved a sigh. It was going on 1 am and it was way too late at night for this bullshit. He just wanted to cuddle up with Claude and go to bed, but Sebastian had threatened to follow him upstairs and pound on the door all night until the blond agreed to his demands.

"Fine! I'll tell him your sorry or whatever, but that's it! If he still doesn't want to talk to you, it's your problem!" he huffed, crossing his arms as he relaxed back on the couch. "Why do you even care, it was forever ago. Are you trying to get into his pants because he skinny now or something?"

"What?! No, I-"

"I'm serious, Sebastian, if all you want is to use him again-"

"Fuck you." the older man huffed, pushing himself from the plush chair in the common room and storming up the stairs. He didn't want to hear it, not from Alois, not when he was still beating himself up about what happened so long ago. Alois didn't know what the fuck he was talking about. He was a kid back then. He had changed so much since then, he had grown up into a much more mature person, not the shallow little shit the blond was accusing him of being. He was enchanted by Ciel, wanted to know the person beyond the outside appearance, and he was kicking himself even harder knowing that Ciel, nor anyone else apparently, could see that. But it was no matter. He would get to Ciel, show him that he wasn't that person anymore, that he could be whatever it was that Ciel saw in him all those years ago. He could be what Ciel needed most.

Sebastian slammed his bedroom door shut. Feeling confident that no one would come to bother him at this late hour. His room was common enough, though dimly lit, posters of his favorite bands lining the walls and piles of assignments, long since graded, littered every flat surface. He heaved a heavy sigh as he sunk heavily onto his mattress, covering his face with his hands. All day he felt a heavy weight on his shoulders, but tomorrow he would work to shake it off. He could fix this. He had to.

* * *

The next morning came too quickly for Ciel, and he had contemplated skipping today before his conversation with his cousin came rushing to the forefront of his mind. He couldn't run away, not today. Had he not promised himself just mere hours ago that today would be better? Well, he couldn't make it better without getting out of bed.

The ache in his muscles had subsided, but only just barely, and even now they protested the decision to get up, but pain aside, Ciel dragged his weary body out of bed and eased out of his bedroom and into the hall as silently as he could. His father had probably left hours ago, but he didn't want to risk running into Angelina and her pro-food ranting, not when he was still trying to shake the vulnerable feeling the previous day had left him with. He had meant what he said on Flesh, he was lowering his limit. This was about feeling stronger, and he never felt stronger than when he had been able to limit himself to 1,200 calories a day. Well, he could do one better. Today he would touch no more than 1,000, and he would feel good and look beautiful and feel in control. Sebastian would _not_ make him feel defeated again.

With that newfound strength, he tiptoed through the silent house. Downstairs he could hear Angelina pattering around the kitchen, undoubtedly preparing a lavish breakfast with a steaming pot of coffee on the side. Ciel instantly began concocting the cover story he would give her to politely decline: he had a late snack, he was running late, he had to meet with a professor. _Or I can just tell her to piss off, _he thought bitterly. What did he owe her anyway?

Making quick work of removing his pajamas, Ciel stepped into the steaming stream of the shower, feeling his sore body relax instantly. He closed his eyes and imaged how the day would play out, when he stepped onto campus once again with a whole new _kind_ of confidence. He wanted to make jaws drop, make men do a double take, show them just what he had done all that work for. He was perfect, and it was time for Weston college to finally see that.

He thought back to last summer, how sexy he had felt, being touched and caressed by men whose names he couldn't be bothered to remember. Their hands had been all over him, over dainty shoulders, between his smooth thighs. As he lost himself in the fantasy, hot water sluicing over his body, his thoughts turned taboo. The familiar grip on his hips, soft full lips ghosting over his, terracotta eyes boring down into his as they leaned in close. He had promised himself he would let that go, that he wouldn't let it haunt him any longer, but he couldn't help himself. His imagination took off, and he pictured that perfect mouth finally meeting his own. A shiver shot down his spine as heat pooled between his thighs, and a trembling hand gripped his growing erection. He imagined that it was Sebastian's hand, gripping him tight and slowly, so slowly tugging him. Ciel tossed his head back, a soft moan escaping his lips as he imagined Sebastian falling to his knees, worshiping his body like it should be, peppering kisses along his pale, thin torso and over pronounced hipbones, slowly following the ever-so-thin trail of dark hair leading down to his manhood. He pictured his red tongue, darting out to taste the precum beading at his flushed head before licking up the length of it, torturing him before finally, in a show of mercy, swallowing him down to the root. Ciel's hand gripped him tighter, moving faster as his imagined the tight muscles of Sebastian's throat constricting around him as he deep throated him, swallowing his cock over and over, driving Ciel quickly to the point of completion. Finally, he snapped, spilling his seed into his hand with the soft whisper of Sebastian name on his lips.

Goddamn him. Even in the privacy of the shower that bastard haunted him. Well, if Ciel _had _to face him, he would do it in all his perfection. Shutting off the water and drying himself off, the boy made his way to his bedroom, his mind going through a rolling count of every article of clothing he owned before deciding what he would wear that was just enough to stop Sebastian in his tracks and think twice about _ever_ letting Ciel go. He would make Sebastian miss him if it was the _last_ thing he did.

* * *

A/N: I really don't know where I'm going with this anymore...but I'm not giving up on it!


	4. Three

Disclaimer: Characters belong to Yana Toboso.

A/N: Another big thank you to you guys and all of your great ideas and well-wishes! I will say that this might be the last chapter for about a week or so. I get married on the 2nd of August and then I'm on my honeymoon until about the 6th, but I'll definitely have this story ( and a few others) on my mind so I can come back with a great chapter as soon as I get home!

Flesh

Three

"Is that all you're eating?" Angelina pried, wide hips leaning casually on the kitchen counter as she nursed a steaming cup of coffee. Ciel didn't answer her, pretending to be too busy munching on his rice cake as he pulled a bottle of water out of the state-of-the-art refrigerator. "Ciel, come on, sit down. I made all this food for you-"

"Can't. Running late." He had absolutely nothing to say to her, even those three words were far too many in his honest opinion.

Angelina had, at one time, been his favorite aunt. She would always dote on him, bring him sweet things and an overabundance of loud, obnoxious toys, and on the weekends, he would sleep over at her house and climb into her overstuffed queen bed with her and watch his favorite movies. Now, however, he could think of no more than one word to describe her: _saboteur. _

_It was his sophomore year in high school when he had noticed that Angelina came around much more often, and that it was always around the time his mother was away working or out with the few friends she had. Every visit went the same, she would sit at the dining room table with Ciel and his father, Vincent, making small talk and giggling away at his father's lame jokes. Vincent would pour her a glass of red wine and himself a tumbler of scotch, and would give Ciel a bottle of water before telling him to go to his room or to run an errand, that he and Angelina had to talk about his mother. It never clicked right away that something was amiss, he never had any reason to suspect anything. Angelina was his aunt, his dad loved his mum, and everything was as it should have been. Until, one day, Rachel had come home early._

_ Ciel had only just heard the outraged screams of his mother over his headphones, and he had nearly flipped over his desk as he shot up from his seat and ran out of his room, fearing that someone had been hurt. When he opened the door, the sight that met him was almost enough to stop his heart._

_ Rachel, calm, sweet Rachel, had Angelina by her crimson hair, seemingly dragging her out of their bedroom, her little hand balled into a tight fist that she repeatedly brought down harshly on every inch of Angelina she could reach, as his aunt held nothing but a thin bedsheet to her naked body. Vincent had stormed passed, stripped down to his boxers, and attempted to restrain his fuming wife, who had turned in his grip and turned her attack on him. She pounded on his bare chest in a fury, but Ciel could clearly see the desperate tears streaming down her rounded, ruddy cheeks._

_ "Why?! Tell me why!?" she had cried, her breath coming out in heavy gasps. It was then that Ciel decided to intervene, pulling his hysterical mother away from the pair. "She's my sister!" She screamed, her body finally giving out as she slumped in her son's arms. Ciel didn't know what to think as he faced Vincent and Angelina. Vincent had the decency to look away, his face dark with an unknown emotion, while Angelina sobbed quietly with a delicate hand covering her mouth. Ciel couldn't remember the last time he had seen his mother so upset, and he imagined that his aunt couldn't either. She was a mess, cheeks wet, blue eyes bloodshot, strawberry blonde curls falling from her ponytail and over her face._

_ "Rachel, I'm so sorry-"_

_ "Fuck you! You're my sister, how could you do this to me?!" Angelina had tried to reach for her, to console her older sister, but Rachel was having none of it, and if Ciel hadn't had a tight grip on her, she probably would have gone on the attack once again. He turned with desperate eyes to his father, unsure of how to handle the situation._

_ "What the hell are you doing, just standing there?! Do something!" He shouted to Vincent, who seemed to snap out of whatever trance he had been in. Much too calmly than Ciel would have liked, Vincent turned to Angelina._

_ "Red, you should go. Rachel and I need to talk." he said quietly, placing a gentle hand on his lover's shoulder and guiding her back into the room to pick up her gathered clothing. She wasted no time dressing, haphazardly throwing on her shirt and jeans and carrying her underclothes in her hand before taking off out the door. Vincent took hold of Rachel next, and, with unnecessary force, pulled her into the bedroom and slammed the door behind them._

_ He didn't know what had compelled him to do so, but Ciel had sat with his back against the closed door of his bedroom, listening intently to the argument that raged just feet away. Superficial words like 'fat', 'lazy', 'too old' were heard in his father's deep baritone, and that was really all Ciel needed to hear. His mother was no longer good enough, the pounds she had put on with work and motherhood and drinks with friends and too-decadent dinners (that his father cooked, no less!) were no longer acceptable. Rachel's typical lilting soprano was screeching in response, but the words were nearly indistinguishable. He could make out the word 'sister', but would that have made it any better, him picking up and laying a co-worker or a tramp he had met at a bar? He supposed not._

_ After an hour of awful screaming, sharp words, and hateful remarks, Ciel had heard enough. He had crawled into bed and put his headphones back in and turned the music on high. His mind was going a mile a minute, and he tried to quell the rising panic that clawed at his chest. His parents' marriage was ending, that much was obvious, but everything had just transpired also confirmed his greatest fear: fat simply wasn't good enough._

He had been shipped off to live with Lizzy's family a month later, while his parents were too busy dragging each other through the courts to care for him, and he supposed that,in a way, he had Angelina to thank in part for all that had happened since, but he simply couldn't bring himself to forgive her for being the home wrecker, for being the one who had split up his parents, and he never once let her forget it.

"Ciel, sit down and eat!" Angelina commanded, her voice stern. Slamming the refrigerator shut, the boy turned to her and pinned her with a fierce glare.

"I said no!"

"You need to eat something!"

"And you need to back off!" he shouted. His blood boiled in his veins. Who in the hell did she think she was, talking to him like a child! "I said I'm running late, so piss off!" He turned and stormed out of the kitchen, throwing the remainder of his rice cake in the trash. Angelina brought out the worst in Ciel, often making him so angry that he could barely see straight, let alone eat.

Angelina followed him from the kitchen to the foyer, a frown marring her elegant features.

"I'll be talking to your father about this."

"Tell someone who gives a shit." Ciel sneered as he pulled on his running shoes and heaved his large backpack onto his back. He stepped into the chilly September air and slammed the door shut behind him before he took off down the sidewalk on his morning run. He hated running when he was upset. The stress always irritated his asthma, making it difficult to breath as it was, and, in his anger, he always found it hard to concentrate on his breathing. He tried to time his breathing with the rhythm of his hard steps, but he kept loosing count as the events of the morning played over and over again. He could feel his lungs working overtime, trying hard to keep up with his harsh workout. _Don't stop. Just a little bit more._ The mantra repeated in his head, and his pushed his body further. He couldn't stop now, he had made a promise to himself and he intended to keep it.

* * *

Alois had been one of the first to arrive to class that morning, a first for him. Typically, he found it hard to break away from Claude's warm embrace, and, apparently, his boyfriend felt the same

way, usually pulling him back in for a quick romp beneath the sheets before finally letting him go to get ready for class.

But this morning, the blond was on a mission. Ciel had been one of the first he had any interest what-so-ever in befriending since he had arrived on campus. Something about him, in all his perfection, had drawn Alois in, and he was not the type to let something he wanted get away. He wanted to know more about Ciel, especially after what had happened the day before. What had it been like, living life the way he had, how did he make it through? How had he lost all that weight? Alois wanted to know it all, and he wasn't going to let Sebastian ruin that chance for him.

So he sat quietly as he waited, hoping that Ciel would show up, as he bid his time on his laptop. He hadn't realized just _how_ early he had arrived, nearly a whole twenty-five minutes, and there was precious little he could think of to whittle away the minutes until Ciel arrived.

If asked, he couldn't say what had made him think of the site he had caught Ciel surfing yesterday, but his interest had piqued. He hadn't missed the way Claude's eyes watched Ciel's body as he stormed away, seemingly locked on the other boys fit behind. Alois had never had issues with his body, always loving the round perkiness of his ass and the creamy skin of his luscious thighs, but it was hard to miss the pure appreciation in those golden orbs when Ciel had been around. Maybe if he did _whatever _Ciel had been doing, Claude would look at him that way too. With that new-found determination in mind, the blond clicked on the link. Instantly photos of tiny girls with stick thin legs loaded on the screen, as well as photos of people who were built, well, like him

_Fat_, he saw the words in big, bold type as he read the hatred they felt for their bodies. Is that what he was? Did Claude see him his fat? He peeked down at his own legs, clad in short jean shorts. His skin was flawless, but had his thighs always seemed...amorphous? Had they always pooled between his legs when he sat down? He glanced again to his computer screen, to a picture of a girl's legs, long, tan, and _thin, _stretched out in the sand on a bright, sunny beach. _Thinsperation. Beautiful. _Those words were typed beneath the photo, and Alois had felt inclined to believe it. Upon further inspection of his own limbs, his skin did look a bit mottled, faint blue veins running along his thighs. Is _that_ what Claude saw every day when he looked at him? Large, gelatinous puddles of flush, teeming with lines like a road map? And if his _thighs _were that bad, what did the rest of his body look like? Disgusting!

"Are you on there, too?" A voice snapped Alois out of his hateful reverie, and he snapped his head around to face Ciel. The other boy's face was flushed, miniscule beads of sweat clinging to his delicate brow. His bluish-gray hair was sticking to his forehead, and his chest rose and fell with labored breaths. Alois could see why Sebastian (and Claude, evidently) was so enamored by him. Ciel's shirt was cropped short, with a wide neckline, exposing his collarbones and the milky skin of his flat stomach. His legs were tiny, just like the girls on Flesh, wrapped in skintight black jeans that rose low on his hips, exposing pronounced hipbones. As he sat down, Alois noticed that _his _thighs only just barely touched one another. Ciel's body was perfect, almost reminiscent of the models that graced the runways. "Helloo! Are you okay?" Ciel asked, waving his hand in front of the blond's face.

"Hm? Sorry, what?" Alois asked, snapping out of his mental appraisal of the other's features. Ciel pointed to the computer screen where Beach Girl was still posing her perfect legs for everyone to see.

"That blog, Flesh. Do yo have one?" The blond shook his head.

"No, I just saw you looking at it yesterday, just thought I'd check it out..."

"Oh, cool. You should make one. Everyone's so helpful on there." Ciel commented, taking out his own computer and logging on. He then took out a notebook and tore out a sheet, quickly writing a series of numbers on his surface. "Here's my number. Text me sometime and I'll help you set one up."

Alois had the distinct feeling that the other boy had misunderstood, but he brushed it off. The whole idea of _perfect, skinny, beautiful _was beginning to make him uncomfortable, and he wanted to put the topic of Flesh and skin and fat to rest for now.

"So, hey, I wanted to say sorry about yesterday. Had I known-" Ciel put a hand up to stop him.

"Don't worry about it. It's not your fault. Besides, it's in the past."

"Well, I'd still like to talk, and, you know, hang out or whatever."

Ciel regarded him critically for a moment. He wasn't stupid, texting Alois was one thing, but actually hanging out, spending time with him would mean spending time around Claude, which undoubtedly meant that Sebastian would be hanging around as well. _Is that really going to stop you from making friends?_, the tiny voice in his mind chided. _You swore you wouldn't let him control you anymore..._

"Yeah, I think I'd like that." the boy blurted out. He didn't really need to think about it, he liked Alois, he wanted to make friends, Sebastian shouldn't even be a factor. Alois' eyes brightened and a smile split his features before he started rambling off like he did the day before. So the mouth would take a lot to get used to, but he's tolerated worse.

"So, Sebastian was, like, hounding me all night about you, saying all this shit about how bad he felt and shit, and I'm just like, hello! Why is he even talking to me about that, he should just be a man and come to you, and-"

"Wait, Sebastian was asking about me?"

"Yeah, I'm supposed to talk to you about him." Alois trailed off, gauging Ciel's reaction at the mention of his friend. If he were in the other boy's shoes, the last thing he would want to talk about would be Sebastian, but then again, he was a vindictive person by nature. "He feels really bad about what he did, and-"

"Are you freaking kidding me." Ciel mumbled, his eyes not focused on Alois' face, but rather on the classroom door. The blond turned in his seat to see what had captured the other boy's attention, and his anger piqued as he saw Sebastian, of all people, creeping into the class as quietly as he could as not to alert the teacher of his presence.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Alois hissed as Sebastian took the seat on the other side of Ciel.

"Will you shut up? I'm just here to talk to Ciel." the older boy replied.

"Yeah, well, I don't want to talk to you. What are you even doing here, you're not even in this class."

"Well, I didn't know where else to find you, and Alois said you guys have this class together so I just came here."

"Alois, what the hell!" Ciel shot the blond a scathing look, and Alois raised his hands in defense.

"Hey, I never told him to come here." he then shot Sebastian a venomous glare. "I _told_ you I would talk to him-"

"You know what? I don't have time for this." Ciel sneered quietly before he quickly packed up his things and rising from his seat. He could feel his skin prickle in his anger, and he ignored the stares of the other students and the questions of the professor as he quickly made his way to the door. He faintly heard Sebastian get up behind him, and, as much as he hated to admit it, he loved the idea of the older boy trailing after him, but even that didn't quell the anger clawing at his gut. Where did that creep get off, showing up in his classes like some crazed stalker?

"Hey! Ciel, wait!" Sebastian called after him, but the younger boy kept walking. Determined, the older male stormed after him, quickly catching up before grabbing his wrist and turning the smaller body around to face him. Sebastian couldn't ignore how much smaller Ciel's wrist felt in his hand as his long fingers wrapped tight around it. He could practically feel Ciel's blood rushing through his veins.

"What!?" the smaller boy shouted, his cheeks red with frustration, big blue eyes shining with unshed tears. "What do you want from me _now,_ Sebastian?"

"I just want to talk to you!" Sebastian tried to lower his voice, but the situation was too tense, too delicate for him to even begin to try comprehend. He should have just let Alois do all the talking like he had originally planned, but all night he had been haunted by the thought of Ciel, of those eyes, of those lips and hips and how badly he wanted to be near him again. For eight years he had been able to push away the memory of that heat, of that nervous, shuttering breath ghosting over his lips, but seeing the boy in person once more just _did_ something to him, drew him in and refused to let him go. "Listen, I'm sorry okay?! I don't know what you want me to say, or what I should do, but I _need_ you to know that I'm sorry. Not a day goes by that I don't regret what I did to you."

There was no stopping them, the tears fell freely over Ciel's rounded cheeks, and he hated himself for it. This wasn't supposed to happen, he was supposed to stay strong, he wasn't supposed to let Sebastian do this to him again.

"You're sorry? You _humiliated_ me, Sebastian. Something died in me that day, and all you can say is that _you're sorry?_" Ciel's voice was quiet, but quivering with rage and sadness.

"What else do you want me say? Ciel, I-"

"You know what, save it, Sebastian. You're too late." Ciel stated quietly, pulling his wrist from Sebastian's almost bruising grip. He turned and tried to walk away, but he only made it two steps before he faltered. His head began pounding furiously. His vision swam before white spots appeared before his eyes, and his body felt a sense of vertigo, as though the world was slipping from under his feet. His body suddenly felt cold and weak, and the only thing louder than the sound of his racing heart was the intense ringing in his ears. _Dammit, don't do this now,_ he thought desperately as he stumbled, his shoulder slamming into the wall next to him as he knees started to feel weak.

"Ciel! Ciel, what's wrong?" Sebastian's voice sounded far away, but the strong arms that were wrapping around his waist, hoisting him upright, told him that the older male was in fact close, so close. Sebastian's scent, something rich and dark like fine chocolate, permeated his senses, and he nuzzled closer to the warmth of his strong firm chest. "Ciel, are you okay?" The deep rumble of Sebastian's voice was enough to slowly bring the younger boy back to his senses, and the world around him slowly started to shift back into place. His body was rebelling, the fatigue of a near sleepless night and running on next to nothing was finally catching up to him, punishing him by driving him into the arms of the one person he wanted to be far away from. Ciel weakly pushed away as he tried to gather his bearings, and his brain slowly began to organize his thoughts. He was supposed to be pissed at this man, not cuddling up to him, and he was furious at himself for getting so close.

"I'm fine." Ciel spat, turning and trying to leave once more, but Sebastian grabbed his arm once again.

"You're not fucking fine! What the hell was that, you practically passed out just now! We need to get you to the infirmary."

"What I need is for everyone to just mind their own damn business! I said I'm fine!" Ciel hadn't meant to shout, but he had had enough. This wasn't how this was supposed to go. He was supposed to be beating guys off with a stick, he was supposed to be feeling confident and sexy and like he was king of the campus, not getting dizzy in hallways and cuddling up to his worst nightmare and certainly not fending off Sebastian's concern. He couldn't bring himself to face those terracotta eyes, knowing they would be filled with questions that Ciel didn't have the strength to answer.

Sebastian swallowed hard the lump that was forming in his throat. There was something Ciel wasn't telling him, something he desperately needed to know, but knew he did not yet have the right to ask.

"Ciel, please, just listen to me. I'm sorry. I want to make it up to you. I want to make the past eight years up to you, all I need is for you to give me a chance." He was asking for a lot, he knew, but he knew that he could do this. He could make Ciel happy, like he had for those brief few days so long ago.

"You can't do that, Sebastian." the younger boy argued, his voice eerily calm. "You can't just push your way back into my life like this. Do you have any idea what that did to me? What _you_ did to me? How can I even trust you."

"I don't know, alright?" Sebastian sighed, exasperated. "I don't know, but I'm not going to stop until I show you that I'm not that person anymore. I'm not the stupid fucking kid I was back then. Please, just give me a chance." Ciel shook his head, fully intending to brush off Sebastian's plea, before the older man called out after him. "I know you felt something that day, Ciel!"

The younger boy stopped in his tracks. The words seemed to slap him in the face. His throat constricted, his heart raced, his lungs felt tight as he struggled to control his breathing. This was too much, he couldn't bear to hear another word.

"Stop." He quietly commanded.

"No, you felt something-"

"Stop..."

"And so did I"

"Shut up!" Ciel snapped, head snapping to face the raven-haired male. "That's enough! Who in the hell do you think you are, huh? You really think you can come here and wax romantic with your fucking apologies and sweet talk? You _felt_ something? Seriously?!" Ciel stormed closer to Sebastian, his thin arms coming up to shove at that solid (perfect, delicious, coveted) chest. "Well whatever the hell you _felt_ obviously wasn't enough to keep you from throwing me away like I was fucking _trash_, Sebastian!"

"How many times do I have to say I'm sorry?! I was wrong, I was an asshole, but I know what I felt! I know what I felt, and I want to feel it again, with you..."Sebastian's voice trailed off as he pulled Ciel close, and, much to his surprise, the younger boy let him. Ciel couldn't help himself, that decadent scent pulled him in, and he was too exhausted, physically and emotionally, to fight it. "Please, Ciel. Just give me the chance to show you I've changed. Let me be the person you thought I was that day, that held you close. Please..."

Sebastian knew that he was begging, but being here, having Ciel in his arms, brought back that same intoxicating feeling of possession. This was right, this was where he belonged, hold and comforting _his_ Ciel.

However, all too soon, the smaller boy pushed away, slowly steadying his body and standing up straight.

"Just piss off..." Ciel replied, his voice almost silent and he forced himself away from the warmth of Sebastian's body. He hated himself for the sense of loss he felt, but he tried his hardest to shake it off. He didn't need this, he didn't need Sebastian.

"At least let me take you to the infirmary!" He heard the older man call out, but he merely tossed up his hand, middle finger held high as he walked away. He didn't need help. Not from Sebastian or anyone else.

* * *

A/N: I'm gonna stop it here. It just feels like a good place to stop. I have a better idea of the things I want to happen, and I'll try my hardest to have one more chapter posted before I go!

Ps. The part with Alois is important, so go back and re-read it if you skipped it!


	5. Four

Disclaimer: All characters belong to Yana Toboso

Note: Thank you all for the well-wishes! I'm sorry it took so long to update, getting back on a regular schedule was a lot harder than I thought it would be.

Flesh

Four

The blood was thrumming through Ciel's veins as he burst through the doors and out onto the campus' central quad. Adrenaline hammered through him, his very limbs, down to his fingertips, practically vibrated with pent up energy and unreleased tension, however his body felt light as a feather. His mind was a mess of emotions, all centering around raven black hair, solid pecs, and scarlet eyes. On the one hand, he felt sick at this want, this _need_ that nipped at his heels, that begged him to turn back and to go listen to that velvet baritone and cover himself in that warmth.

On the other, however, he felt a swell of triumph, tasted the sweet tang of victory that could have only come from this confrontation. He did it! He finally did it! He finally stood up to his bully, his nightmare, his _trigger._ He couldn't imagine a better high than seeing the dejected look on that bastard's face before he walked away, feeling those ruddy eyes following every twist and swivel of his hips. _This. This _was what he had worked so hard for, the stares, the whispers, the penetrating eyes of those around him. Every skipped meal, every heavyhearted dismissal of his beloved sweets, this exact moment made all of it worth it, and he was dying to tell someone about it.

Finding himself a spot at one of the many picnic tables that dotted the quad, Ciel quickly pulled out his cell phone and dialed up Lizzy, confidant that she would be doing more than sitting at home in her pajamas, picking at a rice cake while watching her morning shows. Short of dance rehearsals and short, yet brutal, workouts, she rarely did much of anything throughout the day. Such was the life of a trust-fund baby.

"Hello?" Came her lilting voice on the other end of the phone.

"You aren't going to believe what just happened!"

"Ohh, I smell a story. Do tell, do tell!" And tell he did. Ciel dove right in, regaling every detail, down to the puppy dog look on Sebastian's face when the younger had declined his help. Lizzy listened quietly (a feat for her, Ciel was sure.)

"It was pitiful, really. I almost feel sorry for him..." the boy trailed off. _Almost _was the key word. He highly doubted he could feel half as sorry for Sebastian as he had felt for himself _back then_.

There was a pregnant pause on the other end of the line, and the young man had to wonder if the line had dropped before:

"Ahh, that just sounds so romantic!" Lizzy squealed, he high pitched voice stinging Ciel's ears as he held the phone away.

"What the hell? Lizzy, what sounds even remotely romantic about any of that?"

"He practically confessed his love for you! 'Ciel, my darling, please forgive me! The days I didn't have you by my side were the darkest days of my life'" She recited in a piss poor imitation of Sebastian. "And then you swooned, falling into his arms and he held you close! It's like a scene from a movie!"

"Yeah, I'm going to hang up before I puke."

"Alright, alright, I'm done."She giggled. "But still, it was really sweet of him to apologize."

"Yeah, well, an apology isn't good enough, I'm afraid."

"Well, I can't imagine what else you want him to do, Ciel. It takes a big person to admit they were wrong, maybe he really wants to try to start over..." He voice trailed off, and Ciel could only hum noncommittally, picking at the nonexistent lint on his pants. What else _did_ he want Sebastian to do? Was forgiving him really not an option? And what if he did give him a chance, could he even bring himself to trust the older male again?

_No,_ the little voice chided. _You did it once and look what happened to you._

"Ciel? Are you there?"

"Yeah, I'm just thinking." he sighed. "Since when are you all 'pro-Sebastian' anyway? Weren't you just telling me he was a bully and to not let him get to me?"

"Well, yeah, but that was before he was stalking you to your classes and sweeping you off your feet in hallways."

"That is _so_ not what happened!" Ciel huffed. He was getting exceedingly frustrated with this entire conversation. He wanted to remember Sebastian as the bad guy, the bully, the horrible little shit-stain he had been back in middle school, not the remorseful, sweet, gorgeous-

"Well, if you won't accept the apology, at least try to get some hate sex out of it."

"Elizabeth!"

"What? How long has it been since you've had a good poke?" She asked in all seriousness. "God knows you need it."

"That's vile!"

"Oh please, don't get all sanctimonious on me now! I'm pretty sure I've had to rush a few of your little boy toys out of my house before mum and dad got home, and the way you talk about him, he sounds like a good-looking bloke. I bet he's well-hung too. Go ahead, Ciel, treat yourself!"

"Okay, I'm seriously hanging up now!" The young man's face was burning crimson, the sound of his rushing blood filling his ears. His fingers practically tingled as he pressed the 'end' button, effectively silencing whatever Lizzy had been about to say. He didn't need to hear any more, his brain already swirling with the confusing thoughts of bedding someone he detested but whose attention he wanted most. He doubted he could even bring himself to do it. True, Sebastian had apologized, but, assuming it was even genuine, his feelings could have ended at mere remorse, nothing more. Furthermore, Sebastian wasn't just a 'good-looking bloke', he was _stunning._ He was in a fraternity, had an athletic build, eyes to die for, and an overall air of sexy that other men could only dream of obtaining. He could have anyone he wanted and Ciel highly doubted that he was on that list of potential bedmates.

_And why not?_ _Because you don't look like her?_ That nagging voice questioned, and it was at that moment a busty brunette strutted by, walking so close to Ciel that he could smell her expensive perfume, her little pointed nose held high in the air in ill-deserved haughtiness. He supposed she was beautiful; elegant cheekbones, full red lips, her thick black curls pulled away from her face by a scarlet flowered headband. Her voluptuous thighs shook beneath her too-tight miniskirt, and Ciel couldn't help but noticed how the flesh of one chaffed against the other as she walked. Her ample breasts quivered with each step, bouncing as she made he way to the building Ciel had exited before, and he wondered how that didn't become a nuisance. The force of their descent alone looked almost painful.

How did men find that even remotely attractive? How did _she_ find herself attractive, with all the flesh on her body crawling and squirming with every step she took. How her thighs nearly bulged from beneath that poor denim skirt and how he could see her stomach trying to force its way over the waistband. Faint blue lines traced her bare skin, and he could make out the faint dimples of cellulite that marred her supposedly gorgeous skin. _Gelatinous. Vile. Disgusting. _Those were the only words Ciel could think of to describe her, as though his hand would sink into her skin if he grabbed her waist, and the mental image almost made his stomach turn. _That _was what Sebastian didn't want, he had made that much perfectly clear, and that gave Ciel new resolve. Perhaps the older male didn't want Ciel's body, but he could easily change that.

The light twinkling sound of his phone knocked Ciel out of his reverie, and he was already preparing his rant to Lizzy as he opened the new text message, but a number he didn't recognize flashed across the screen.

_Hey, it's Alois. Srry abt Sebastian. Hes an ass. Cum by th house tnit and help me set up tht blog._

His spelling was awful, was it really so difficult to spell out words in their entirety? Typing back a quick response, that he'd be happy to, he only needed to wait a few seconds before his phone went off again.

_Cool. 1517 Scarlet Fox Dr. ill be home aftr 4_

* * *

That could have gone a lot better, Sebastian thought miserably. After Ciel had walked away from him, the older man merely floated throughout the day, wandering from class to class, too lost in the recesses of his own thoughts to focus on the monotonous drone of elderly professors or the cacophonous chatter of classmates.

Throughout the day, he had tried to convince himself that Ciel was just being unreasonable; that the incident had happened so long ago and couldn't have _possibly _had the impact on the younger boy that he had claimed (after all, it was just a little prank). But the more he had thought about the pain in that rounded face, the hatred in those eyes, and, most shockingly, how small and..._frail _Ciel had looked for the fleeting moment he held him in his arms, Sebastian's mind began to haunt him with the idea that there was _something, _something much bigger, much darker lurking beneath the milky white surface that was Ciel Phantomhive, and as much as the logical side of the man pleaded for him to let it go, to brush it off with little more than a shrug, Sebastian felt himself drawn in even deeper.

"You just couldn't listen to me, huh?" Alois chided, shaking his head as he sat across from Sebastian in the common room of the house. The blond had only gotten home moments ago, and the first thing he had done when he saw the older male sulking on their second-hand sofa was tear into him on just how badly he had fucked up their fool-proof plan.

"Piss off, Alois." Sebastian replied, not looking up from the tasteless sitcom that was playing on the television. His eyes were focused on the screen, but his mind was miles away, lost in the mess that he had made only mere hours ago, and the few ways he could think of on how to fix it, all of them meaningless if he couldn't even bring Ciel to talk to him.

"So what happened? Did he deck you? Because that's what he should have done." the impish blond shrugged, his passive-aggressive tone grating on Sebastian's last nerve. But what would bitching at Alois do, but start yet another fight, and possibly even get Claude pissed at him, and he just wasn't feeling up for any of it today. So he chose to ignore the taunting comments in favor of staring blankly at the television and lazing on the sofa.

However, never having been one for being ignored, Alois continued, hoping to gain some sort of reaction from the raven-haired man. For all his annoying habits (especially his lack of apparent listening skills), Sebastian was a friend of sorts, and Alois couldn't stand to see his friends hurting, not when there was something, anything he could do about it. In the short time Alois had known him, he had never seen Sebastian quite so..._sad_. He always seemed to carry with him this air of confidence, of arrogance that no man could touch with a ten foot pole, and it was nothing less than a shock to the blond's system to see the tall man laying there, bereft of that playful smirk, looking positively broken inside.

"Well, anyway, he's coming over any minute, so can you please be a bum somewhere else?" If he hadn't looked so pathetic, Alois would have laughed at the way Sebastian's head popped up, eyes wide a frantic.

"What did you just say?"

"I said he's coming over and I doubt he would appreciate you lying there like a goddamn lump. Go find Claude or something." Alois turned to move up the stairs, but stopped at the last moment before turning back to Sebastian. "Seriously, don't do anything stupid. I told you I would help and I will, but I need you to let me, okay?" Without waiting for a response, Alois turned and made his way upstairs to the room he shared with Claude.

Sebastian stared wide-eyed at the blond as he walked away, not sure how he wanted to respond to the news. Of course, he felt elated, he could practically jump for joy at the idea that he could get another shot to correct his folly, but a wave of nervous anxiety quickly gripped him. What if this turned out to be another disaster? What if Ciel's rebuttal of his advances was even colder, more harsh? Should he even _try _to talk to him again?

_I have to. I can't give up now, _he resolved, ignoring the sweat beading in his palms. He would get through to Ciel, come hell or high water.

* * *

Ciel arrived at 1517 Scarlet Fox Drive shortly after 5 o'clock. The frat house seemed as old as the campus itself; a large two-story Victorian of faded brick, standing tall behind a large wrap-around porch. Creeping ivy seemed to endlessly crawl up the rickety wooden trellises that stood at the houses side, the lush green warping and weaving its way to the front of the house and beneath the windows, seeming to engulf the house in its leaves.

He stepped on to the front porch, kicking away the many beer cans that littered its surface. It had party house written all over it, down to the beer pong table sitting idle in the corner, red plastic cups and puddles of mysterious liquid (booze) scattered across its surface. Ciel couldn't help but wonder exactly how many boys shared this home, or how many people came from all over campus to indulge in alcohol, sex, and God knows what else.

He took a deep breath, trying to gather his nerves before lifting a small hand and knocking on the heavy mahogany door. He couldn't put into words how much it took for him to come here, to the doorstep of his nightmare, and, for once, running had failed him. It did nothing to quell the anxiety that raged within him, nor did it silence any of the questions that were running through his mind. Would he be strong enough rebuff Sebastian again, when all he wanted to do was get close to him? He wanted the older man's attention, to bask in it, to feel warmth and love radiate off him, but he still had his pride dammit. He wanted to prove that it would take a lot ore than a few sweet words and big (sexy, gorgeous, he could drown in them) doe eyes to win him over, and, if Sebastian were truly sorry, he had better be prepared to do them all.

The door swung open, and Ciel heaved a sigh of relief as Alois' shock of blond hair appeared in the doorway before he was quickly grabbed and pulled inside.

"You made it!" Alois cheered, "Did you find the place okay?"

"Yeah, it was fine." As fine as a 15 minute let-down of a run could be, but he would manage, he supposed. Alois slammed the door behind him before pulling him up the stairs, moving so quickly that Ciel didn't have a chance to get a good look at the downstairs. He just barely made out a beaten up old sofa and an expensive television set. The halls were bare, but he supposed that was a lot better than being overrun by empty beer cans and red cups.

"We can just hang out in here." the blond chirped, his excitement calming Ciel's nerves as he pulled him into, what he assumed, was his bedroom. The floor was covered in clothes, their bright colors and small sizes leaving Ciel to believe they all belonged to Alois, and the blond had to clear a few more of those damn plastic cups away from the desk where the computer rested. "If you want anything to drink, just ask. We have plenty."

"I don't doubt it..."

"Okay, so how do I do this?" the blond asked, practically bouncing in his chair with excitement. Ciel felt himself relax as he slowly fell into his element. Through nearly an hour of pointing a clicking, he felt as though he were building a sort of kinship with Alois, a bond he hadn't had with anyone since he had moved out of Lizzy's and into his father's home. _This_ was comfortable, _this_ was safe, _this _was precisely where he wanted to be.

Alois' blog had been simple to set up; an electric blue theme, a small blurb about himself and his goals (and his Claude, of course.). All that was left was to post a few pictures.

"No. Nope, absolutely not." The blond chanted, shaking his head back and forth.

"Come on, Alois, how can people see your progress if they can't see where you started?" Ciel tried to reason. He remember that pain, that fear, but when he had done it, he had been the size of at least _three _of Alois. _If I could do it, so can he._

"Ciel, no, no pictures. I don't look like you, I don't look like..._those girls." _Alois whined as he waved a hand to the computer monitor.

"No, not yet, but _those girls _and I want to help you, and they can't if they don't see what they're working with."

Alois was waging an internal war with himself. He had read those blog posts, how those girls beat down on themselves for every inch of fat that stuck to their bones. Anything less than a wide thigh gap, than perfect collarbones, everything that Alois lacked was unacceptable, and he didn't think he could bear for them to point it out to him. However, Ciel did have a point. He thought back to the girl on the beach, how he felt when he saw her photo. He had been inspired by her, by her beauty, by her dedication, and he wanted to be that for someone else, he wanted to be someone's Girl On The Beach. All he had to do was take one little picture.

"Okay, I'll make you a deal." The blond responded after a pregnant pause. "We have a few drinks, and after that, we'll take my picture."

* * *

"Ugh, what the fuck is this?" Sebastian heard the lilting voice from the stairway as came down from his bedroom. He had taken Alois' advice and made himself scarce, holing up in his room and idling away his time on his computer before his stomach finally got the better of him. Sebastian tried to calm himself down as he heard the voice that had been haunting him all day, but his heartbeat refused to slow down and he couldn't seem to do a thing about the sweat beading in his palms. Steeling his nerves and drawing a a slow, deep breath, Sebastian willed his body t descend the last few stairs and enter the kitchen, where Alois was cackling away at the disgusted look on Ciel's face. He looked just as beautiful as he did the day the blond had dragged him over to their table in the crowded cafeteria, his long, thin legs bared in tiny denim shorts and his big blue eyes shining with laughter, despite the distasteful look marring his elegant features. His skin was pale, so pale, but looked so soft, almost silken, and Sebastian's hands itched to run along that flesh, to see if he was nearly as pleasing to the touch as he was to the eye.

"Oh, come on, it's not that bad!" Alois laughed as he sipped his own drink. "Sebastian thinks my mixed drinks are good, right, Sebastian?" The older male felt his heart skip a beat as two pairs of blue eyes locked on him. Ciel's rounded cheeks flushed a pretty pink as their eyes met, and he attempted to hide his face in the red plastic cup, enduring the syrupy sweet concoction if it meant he didn't have to focus on Sebastian's intense stare.

The older male, however, was thankful for the distraction. He could stop and stare at Ciel's fae-like beauty all day, but now wasn't the time, not when the atmosphere was so tense, and their ties so strained. The last thing he wanted to do was scare him away again.

"Oh, you mean that sweet shit? No thanks, I'll take a real man's drink." He replied, casually brushing past the two and reaching into the cabinet where their extensive collection of liquor, both top shelf and bargain brand, were kept. He tried to ignore the feeling of those eyes boring into him, watching his every move as he pulled out the short clear bottle of his drink of choice. It was too strong for a school night, but he needed all of the courage he could get to make it through the rest of Ciel's stay, and he was convinced that there was nothing that provided more courage than the bottle of Patron he was currently uncorking an pouring into his own cup.

"Yeah, fuck all that, that shit make me puke." Alois replied, his ski-jump nose turned up at the strong smelling liquid.

"Yeah, because you're used to pansy drinks." Sebastian smirked as he downed the first shot, grimacing and shaking his head as the tequila burned a trail of fire down his throat. The first shot was always the worst. He held the bottle up to Ciel. "You want a shot?"

Ciel knew better, he had never handled tequila well (his sluttiest moments occurred when tequila had made an appearance.) But something in Sebastian's smirking face struck a nerve in him. Perhaps it was residual anger from their earlier encounter, but the idea of seeming weak in any way to the older man was unappealing, enough so to make his stomach turn. With a defiant look in his eye, he snatched the bottle away from Sebastian and poured himself a generous amount, trying to ignore the burn in his nose from the liquor's strong scent. He took a deep breath, gathering his nerve before he tossed the cup back, gulping down a mouthful of liquid fire. Alois and Sebastian both cheered him, and he found his annoyance only grew.

"I didn't think you'd actually do it." Sebastian laughed, pouring two more shots into their cups. Ciel scoffed.

"Please, you act like I'm some kind of lightweight." he replied, taking his cup back. The older male merely smirked once more and raised his cup, and the two downed their shots together.

* * *

The unfortunate thing about Ciel's slight stature was his ability to hold alcohol. Three more shots and two more of Alois' excessively sweet cocktail had Ciel struggling to maintain his composure, leaning on anything and everything that could hold his weight. He tried to berate himself for letting this happen, for letting himself get so drunk, but he couldn't help but revel in the warm, weightless feeling the alcohol had caused, not to mention the way it had loosened his tongue.

He was currently sitting on the cold linoleum floor of the house's kitchen (with its pretty bright white and cute little flowers and-)laughed merrily at Alois and Claude, who had joined their antics shortly after his second shot of tequila (Was it tequila? It had all started tasting like water to him.) The blond was busy fending off sloppy kisses from his usually stoic lover as he cackled wildly.

"No! Stop!" He cried, even though a bright smile stretched across his face, and from his place on the floor, Ciel laughed right along with them.

"Are you alright?" A voice filled with laughter, rich and decadent, sent a delicious shiver down his spine, and he turned to face warm terracotta eyes and a gentle smile. Sebastian loomed over him, large hand reaching out to him in welcome from his place in one of the old wooden chairs around the dining table. "You don't want to sit down there, we haven't mopped in weeks."

Ciel allowed himself to be pulled up and into the elder's lap, a small, almost nonexistent voice screaming at him to stop, that he shouldn't let this happen, but it was quickly silenced by the warmth that seeped through Sebastian's clothing.

"Are you going to run away again?" the elder asked, and Ciel's breath quickened as he felt those soft lips gently brush against the shell of his ear. He turned his face toward Sebastian's, the tips of their noses brushing against one another in a gentle Eskimo kiss. Something in him screamed to run, to just go home and go to bed and sleep off the inevitable hangover he would face tomorrow, but he couldn't turn away, not with the way Sebastian's breath ghosted across his lips. His face burned as he watched with hooded eyes as the older male slowly eased closer, those full lips nearly brushing his own. "Please don't run away again..."

Sebastian knew he was practically begging, but his mind was going haywire, close to short circuiting from the heat and closeness of the wraith-like body in his arms. He didn't know what else he wanted to say, what possible words could rectify, not only the events of the day, but the past eight years. All he knew was that he wanted to feel Ciel's plump lips against his own, his body writing against his, that musical voice calling out to him and him alone. The image alone was enough to send Sebastian surging forward, taking those berry red lips between his own in a heated, passionate kiss. Ciel moaned lightly, the sound shooting through Sebastian like lightning, and he swept his tongue along the seam of the younger male's lips, silently begging for entrance.

Ciel accepted him willingly, opening his mouth to welcome Sebastian, their tongues dancing against one another. Small hands reached up and held fast to raven black locks, as he felt large hands trail burning pathways up his thighs and under his shirt. Amidst the lustful haze, a spark of pride shot through Ciel as Sebastian's hands caressed his sides. He wasn't stupid, he knew Sebastian had noticed the change between then and now, how good his body felt against his palms, how everything was tight, taught, damn near _perfect._

All too soon, Sebastian was pulling away, his breath coming out in heavy pants as he eased Ciel from his lap. He didn't speak, instead taking the smaller hand into his and pulling him toward the stairway.

"Where are we going?" Ciel asked, his voice timid.

"C'mon, I want to talk to you _alone._" Sebastian replied as he pulled the younger male along, past the room where he and Alois had hung out and down the darkened hallway. Again, Ciel wasn't stupid. Many times men had wanted to _be alone_ with him, and every time he faced the occasion with proud indifference, wanting little more than to get in, get off, and get them the hell out of his room. Sebastian was different, however. With him, he was anxious, practically itching to slowly remove each and every article of clothing from his body under that heated crimson stare, to show the other what he had missed out on for so many years, to bask in that white hot feeling as his body was stroked and caressed by those hands all over again, inside and out.

The door closed with a soft click before Sebastian was all over him, attaching his lips to the other's and pulling gently at the loose fitting shirt that adorned Ciel's upper body before pulling it off completely. He paused only momentarily to admire the milky white skin that seemed to glow, flawless, under the moonlight that poured into Sebastian's bedroom. The older male could no longer resist, he ran his palms from Ciel's trim waist, following its slight curve up to his small chest, where he paused to toy with rosebud nipples. The younger male gasped as delighted shivers wracked his body, and the heat of arousal quickly pooled in his crotch. Ciel needed more, more of Sebastian's touch.

Growing impatient, Ciel pulled his mouth away as he began to tug on Sebastian's own clothing, desperate to see that hard, toned body in all its glory, to feel it pressed against his own. As he worked, the older male moved his lips downward, latching onto the sensitive flesh of Ciel's neck and devouring the hot flesh, only pausing to let Ciel pull his shirt over his head before he got right back to it. This boy was addictive, he had determined, and he wouldn't let him go, not this time, not until he had sated his hunger for him. He groaned low in his throat as he felt small hands exploring his chest, running dull nails along well built muscle. Sebastian moved his mouth lower, dragging his tongue along one pert, pink bud.

Ciel was slowly melting into a whimpering mess as Sebastian toyed with him. His legs trembled beneath him, threatening to give out under the elder's lustful onslaught. His mind was so far gone, so hazed in intoxicated arousal, that it barely registered to him when his back hit the soft surface of the bed until he felt eager hands pulling at his shorts. He lifted his slight hips and his body shivered as the chilled air hit his exposed lower body.

Sebastian lowered his mouth to the heated flesh, peppering light, opened-mouth kisses along the silken skin of Ciel's chest and stomach.

"You're so beautiful..." he whispered as he worshiped the body beneath him. He could spend hours, days, a _lifetime _just like this, showering kisses and gentle nips along the expanse of Ciel's chest and stomach, trying his damnedest to convey every feeling to the him that he simply couldn't put into words; his apologies, his want, his _obsession_ with the young man beneath him. "God, you're so fucking beautiful."

Ciel's head swam with the soft words Sebastian was whispering into his skin. Something, a feeling he couldn't even begin to describe, thundered through him, wrapping him in a feeling of warmth, of comfort, of sheer bliss. He had few qualms with his body, he had worked hard and it showed, and he was proud of every bead of sweat and every skipped meal and every pang of hunger he had ever felt. However, under the onslaught of Sebastian's praise, he had actual felt _beautiful_ for the first time. He felt _cherished _for the first time, and he would give anything to continue basking in this miraculous feeling. His flesh burned as the elder kisses and nipped his way between sharp hipbones, it was bliss, perfection, but it wasn't enough.

"Sebastian..."He sighed, "Please...more..." He needed to feel more, to quell the fire that raged in groin. His back arched from the mattress as Sebastian grabbed his heated erection and slowly pumped. He placed gentle kisses around the base before he slowly moved up to lap at the precum beading at the head.

"Perfect..."Sebastian sighed as he savored the sharp taste of Ciel on his tongue. Everything about this boy was perfect, from his looks, to that fiery temper, to the very taste of him. Sebastian wanted it all for his own. Ciel cried out as Sebastian pushed more of his turgid cock into his mouth, down to the base before swallowing deep. Every moan, every cry, every whimper Ciel let pass those cherry lips sent a surge to Sebastian's own neglected sex, and he reached down to palm at his own pulsing erection, hoping to relieve the pressure that was steadily building. What he would give to bury himself deep into that impossibly hot body, but first-

"Fuck! Oh, God, yes!" the younger male cried as he writhed on the mattress, his small hands gripping the bedsheets in a feeble attempt to anchor himself. He felt something wonderful slowly building at the base of his cock, and he began to rock his hips toward Sebastian's face, shoving his manhood deeper into that wet, hot cavern. The older man obliged happily, forcing the head to the back of his throat. A large hand trailed down to his sac, caressing the orbs and squeezing gently as his tongue lapped at the bulbous head. "Se-Sebastian...I'm-"

Ciel's thighs quivered as his body reached its peak. Blue eyes rolled back as he felt himself begin to drown in the indescribable pleasure of his orgasm. Sebastian groaned around his spouting cock, quickly swallowing every drop Ciel had to offer.

Ciel felt perfectly weightless, swimming in the afterglow of his orgasm, and he barely registered Sebastian releasing his spent member and leaning over him to pepper gentle kisses along his jaw.

The elder man found himself completely spellbound by him, his pure alabaster skin shimmering in the moonlight, cheeks flushed a lovely rose, eyes glazed over as he tried to pull himself back from the throws of ecstasy. Sebastian's chest tightened as he basked in Ciel's beauty, his perfection.

"Ciel..."he whispered, pulling the smaller body close to his own. The smaller boy only pulled him closer, arching his hips up into Sebastian's awaiting erection.

"Sebastian, please...give me more." He whimpered, pressing sweet kisses to Sebastian's lips. Sebastian's blood pounded through his veins and straight down to his already straining cock. A small voice in the back of his mind told him to stop, that this was enough, that they were both too drunk and too horny for this to end any way other than disaster. But he couldn't bring himself to care, not when Ciel was running those hands against his body and cooing in his ear how much he needed him, wanted him. His head was a swimming mess, and the only thing that surfaced was his carnal desire for the body beneath him.

Sebastian reached into the bedside table and pulled out the small bottle of lube he had stashed away there. He liberally coated his turgid cock with the sweet smelling oil, hissing at the touch of hand to his own hot flesh.

Ciel stared with rapt fascination as Sebastian prepared himself, and he felt his own cock twitch in interest. The older male was perfect, from his elegant face to his chiseled chest, down the the massive organ pulsing between his thighs. He craved every inch of him, was desperate to run his tongue along that perfect chest and swallow down that hard, throbbing-

"Ahh, fuck!" Ciel cried out as Sebastian slowly eased his cock into that tight, hot sheath. Heaven, that was the only word he could use to describe it. His body was on fire, a glorious burn shot through him as his body was breached, his muscles shifting and clenching to accommodate the massive rod. Sebastian slowly eased in to the hilt, only stopping when his hips were pressed firmly against Ciel's pert behind. He was going wild, his mind cursing him for his control. All he wanted to do was pound into that intoxicating warmth, but he held fast to his last shred of patience, waiting for Ciel to give him permission to move.

"Please...move!" the smaller male whimpered, shifting his hips to try to pull that turgid cock deeper into his body. Sebastian obliged happily, pulling out of Ciel's clenching hole until only the head remained, before surging forward. Ciel tossed his head back, crying out as the other's sex seemed to drag across every muscle in his ass.

Sebastian let out a rough groan as he tried to keep his body in check, but before long his pace increased, Ciel's cries increasing in volume as his body was plundered by Sebastian's cock.

"Shit...Ciel! So fucking tight." He bit out between clenched teeth. The younger male's body seemed to pull him in and gripped him tight, milking his body with every thrust. "You're perfect...so perfect!"

He could feel his orgasm barreling toward him, his vision edging in white as his whole body felt as though it were falling. The way Ciel's body gripped him, sucking him in with each thrust, it was too much to bear, and he suddenly found himself shooting his seed deep into that hot sheath.

Ciel's body shook as he felt Sebastian coat his insides, his gentle words swimming around his mind. _Perfect._ Sebastian thought he was _perfect_. The older male pulled out of him and laid down at his side before pulling him in close. They didn't speak, they didn't need to. Everything that needed to be said came through loud and clear in their coupling.

The exhaustion and the alcohol were finally taking their toll on Ciel's body, and, though he wanted to stay awake and bask in this afterglow, in Sebastian's warm embrace, his mind slowly began to shut down, and he was lulled into a deep slumber; the elder's words still ringing in his head.

_Perfect._

* * *

A/N: This is the longest chapter I've ever written in my history of writing, including my old account. Go me! Sorry for the lemon, I feel like it was a little disappointing.


	6. Five

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Everything belongs to Yana Toboso.

Note: I'm gonna be honest this chapter is probably gonna be super short. It's sweet though so hopefully you guys appreciate it. Also, if you guys know a better way to do breaks besides those damn lines, please let me know.

Trigger warning: purging.

Flesh

Five

Sebastian woke first, the harsh rays of the morning sun flitting through the sheer curtains. Though his head pounded and his stomach churned, his burning eyes focused only on the young man sleeping soundly next to him.

The sunlight cast an almost ethereal glow to Ciel's creamy skin as faint shadows danced across his delicate features. Sebastian stayed silent, taking in every curve and contour of Ciel's face, from his rounded cheeks to his dark lashes to his little ski-jump nose. He had meant what he said last night; everything about Ciel was perfect, inside (_especially _inside) and out. Now if only he could convince the younger that they could be perfect together.

Without hesitation, Sebastian reached out and stroked his fingertips along Ciel's cheeks, marveling at the rosy blush and sheer _softness_ of his skin. Under the feather-soft caress, Ciel's lashes fluttered open as he awoke, giving Sebastian a view of those ocean-blue eyes he loved so much. It was intense, the influx of emotion that filled him over someone he had thought he had forgotten about, who he had left so far in the past. But here Ciel was, and a floodgate that Sebastian hadn't even known existed had opened and he was more than happy to let himself drown.

Ciel finally came to, his mind trudging through the fog of dehydration and that awful turning in his gut and his insatiable need for a cigarette. His eyes couldn't focus on the room around him, only on the scarlet eyes that bore into his, and that coy little smirk. So last night _had _happened. He had been caressed in the most gentle of ways, had drowned in the immense pleasure, had been shown what true perfection was. And he could only just barely remember any of it.

Ciel could almost feel the bile rise in his throat. Sebastian saw his body. _Sebastian,_ of all people, saw his naked body. Every flaw, every imperfection, _everything_ bared, out in the open, in the most intimate of ways, and Ciel couldn't even for a clear picture of it. How was he? Was Sebastian disgusted? Repulsed by the evidence of every miscounted calorie and every run he had ever skipped and-

"Good morning." Sebastian's gentle baritone pierced through the dark thoughts, and for just a moment, Ciel felt a short-lived relief. The elder male slowly eased closer, his lips slowly caressing Ciel's, and he had barely a minute to enjoy it before _that voice_ began screaming.

_How vile! You must taste disgusting!_ It shrieked, knocking out every ounce of nerve Ciel had gathered for himself. He had only woken up, he probably tasted about as good as he felt (which wasn't saying much) or even about as good as he probably looked, (which was saying even less.)

Panic rising in his chest, Ciel pushed Sebastian away before throwing the sheets off of his naked body. He shot to his feet, ignoring Sebastian's protest, and began hunting for his clothes. He had to get home, had to escape the suffocating atmosphere, the scent of sex and top shelf tequila, _run off every damned calorie, _and get far, far, away from Sebastian until he could get his head straightned

"Are you okay? Ciel, what's wrong?" Sebastian asked, rising to his feet, unsure of how to calm the younger male. What had happened? Weren't they just fine a few moments ago? "Ciel, will you stop?"

"I have to go." Ciel breathed as he haphazardly pulled his briefs up willowy legs.

"Go? Ciel, wait-"

"No, I have to go!"

"I said wait!" Sebastian declared, grabbing Ciel by his wrist and pulling his body to meet his own. He pushed down the guilt he felt when he saw the fear welling in those blue eyes. "Ciel, talk to me. What's wrong?" He asked slowly.

"I have to leave, this was a mistake." Ciel whispered, his eyes unfocused, looking straight through Sebastian.

"What? What are you talking about?"

"What happened last night was a mistake. We were drunk, I wasn't thinking." That hurt, Sebastian couldn't deny, but what else could he expect? Ciel wasn't going to fall for him in one drunken night of clumsy passion, no matter how great (stunning, electric, mind-blowing) the sex was.

"Was it something I did?"

"What? Sebastian, no-"

"Then why are you leaving?" he asked, his voice wavering as he slowly took Ciel's hand into his. His slim fingers trembled beneath Sebastian's touch, and he brought them to his lips. "Don't run away from me again..."

"Sebastian..." Ciel stopped short, unsure of what he wanted to say. The feel of those lips against his skin brought memories of last night flooding back, and an unwanted surge of arousal shot through him. He could feel his flesh burn anew, hair standing on end, and all he could think about was going back to bed with this magnificent man and taking another round in the sheets. "I'm sorry, I have to leave..."

"Just give me a chance." Sebastian pleaded, not releasing the willowy wrist from his grasp. "Tonight. Just give me one chance and if it doesn't work out, I'll never bother you again."

He wanted to say no, to just politely decline and turn and leave and forget this ever happened. Things were changing too much, too fast, that his mind couldn't keep up, but-

_Isn't this what you worked for? Isn't this what you wanted? _That was right. This was exactly what he wanted: Sebastian desiring only him, wanting only him, looking at him the way he did back then.

"Okay. Tonight."

* * *

In the chaos, Ciel had forgotten that it was still morning. The September sun was just peaking over the treeline, casting a warm glow over the town. It was a shame he couldn't bring himself to enjoy it.

The sidewalk swayed in front of him, the ground seemed to move beneath his tired feet, and every step sent a sharp throb up his neck and into his temple. He looked the very picture of a Walk of Shame, with his clothes disheveled and his hair a mess and all he wanted to do was curl up in bed and think about the night before when his brain (and stomach) finally settled.

He shouldn't have been bothered, he knew. Taking a tumble after a night of drinks had always been something he just brushed off the next morning. But then again, he had never been the one who had to leave. He would just politely show his lover the door before instantly wiping his face from his memory and sitting down to cereal and Netflix with Lizzy.

_'That's it!' _he thought as he pulled his phone out f his pocket and dialed the number, growing impatient as the seconds drug on without an answer.

"Mm, hullo?" Lizzy's voiced sounded gravelly on the other end, but Ciel decided not to care. Pay back for all those early mornings she had drug him out of bed to go running with her, as far as he was concerned. "Ciel? What are you doing up so early?"

"Slut walking back to my dad's house, and you?"

"Well, I _was _sleeping until-wait, what did you just say?"

"I got drunk and screwed Sebastian and now I'm walking home." Perhaps casually saying it would calm him down.

"You _what!?_" He shrill voice cut through the phone, causing his temples to throb harder. "You talked as though you hated him, what the hell happened?"

"I don't know!" he whined. "I went over there because my friend wanted to start a blog and then we started drinking. Next thing I know he taking me upstairs and kissing me and calling me perfect and beautiful and all that."

"Aw! That's sweet." Lizzy cooed. "So, then what happened? Did he kick you out? Did he at least make you breakfast before you left?"

"No, I kinda...woke up, freaked out, and left."

"_What?! _Ciel, what are you thinking?"

"I don't know! I'm hungover and everything he said last night just came flooding back and it was just too intense."

"I guess I just don't see the problem. How was the sex? Was he rough like other drunk guys or was it real slow and romantic-like?"

"What damn difference does it make?" he asked. He was beginning to feel frustrated. He had called her so he didn't have to think about all of this, so that he could have a moment of freedom from his thoughts of Sebastian before having to face the older male again.

"Well, I just think you're freaking out over nothing, _again._ There's a chance he was drunk and wild, but he could have been really sincere."

"Or he could have just been wasted."

"_Ciel-"_

"Calm down, he bullied me into going on a date with him tonight."

"A date? Where?" Ciel honestly didn't know. He had been so eager t leave that he didn't think to ask. If Sebastian were anything like the other jocks he had been with, it was probably just them sitting in the living room of the frat house in front of the TV with a bowl of popcorn and a case of beer. Not exactly Ciel's idea of romantic.

"You know, he didn't say..."

"Well, it can't be any worse then the last date I went on. We just went to the guy's house and he spent the whole night practically begging me to blow him."

The rest of his walk seemed to blow by as Lizzy chattered away, and as Ciel got lost in his own thoughts about the night. He knew he shouldn't expect much. As far as he knew, Sebastian didn't work, so the probably wouldn't be going anyplace expensive or trendy. So then, what else was there? A walk around campus, window shopping in town, all things that had, at one time, seemed incredibly boring to Ciel, but after imagining it all with Sebastian, their hands intertwined as they people-watched and laughed at lame jokes together, o_r _even watching movies at the house, cuddled up on the old sofa underneath a cozy blanket all seemed, well, really _sweet. _

* * *

"Where on Earth have you been?" Angelina started in as soon as Ciel had shut the front door behind him. He hadn't even had a chance to take his shoes off. "What the hell happened to you? You look like you were in a fight!" She leaned in closer before recoiling, her slender hand reaching up to cover her nose. "And you _stink!_ You smell like a dive bar."

If Ciel were honest, he had forgotten all about Angelina. He should have known that she, of all people, would be the one to freak out about him stumbling home drunk, hair a mess, neck covered in bruises. God knows, if he had thought about it, he wouldn't have been so quick to leave the frat house. No amount of awkwardness could be worse that his aunt's interrogations.

"I was _out._" He bit back, brushing passed her in an attempt to get to his room.

"Out where?"

"With friends! God, what's the big deal?"

"The _big deal _is that we didn't bring you here so you could go out and party!" Angelina replied as she grabbed a hold of Ciel's arm. Ciel jerked away from her, his sapphire eyes glaring into hers, and he instantly regretted it.

"Don't touch me!" he shouted. "I don't care why you brought me here, I just wish you'd leave me alone!" As he moved away from her, he could feel the contents of his stomach jostle, the very feeling almost enough to send bile up into his throat.

"You'll lose that attitude this instant!"

"Get bent!" With that, Ciel stormed up the stairway and down the hall before he reached his room and slammed the door shut.

_'Not now, not now.'_ he though miserably as he made his way to his bed and sat down on the edge. He legs felt weak, his head still pounding, and his jog up the stairs did absolutely nothing for his ailing stomach. He just wanted to get rid of that awful churning, that too full feeling. He just wanted to let it out. With a tired groan, he rested his head between his legs, contemplating his dilemma. He knew asking Angelina wasn't an option, not after the row that had just happened downstairs, but he also wasn't about t eat anything. There was precious little in the house that he could eat that wouldn't completely destroy his calorie count, and he didn't have the energy to go downstairs anyway.

_Better out than in._ The voice in his head chirped sweetly, and it was then that he spotted the navy blue trash bin resting near his bed.

_ Better out than in._

He had never done it before, but he had talked online with girls who had. He never asked for specifics, he had never been curious enough to know _how _one went about throwing up, but right now he wished he had. Something about the gag reflex? He pulled the trash bin closer before he knelt down in front of it.

_ Better out than in. Better out than in._

Ciel tried to steal his nerves, had tried to stop the trembling in his hands as he slowly reached two fingers to his mouth. A terrified shiver shot up his spine as he tried to push forward, his knuckles meeting his chin.

_There are 46 calories in one shot of Patron. How many did you have? _That damned voice chided cruelly. _Was it six? That's 276 calories, maybe more. And let's not talk about all the sugar in the drinks Alois gave you._

That was right. _That _was what was making him sick, _that _was what was swirling around in his gut, destroying all of his hard work from the inside out. He wanted it out, _needed_ to get it out before it congealed and solidified and stuck to his bones as fat! He needed to stay thin, to stay perfect, to stay exactly as he was last night, when in Sebastian's arms, on Sebastian's cock.

_That's right. For Sebastian, it's better out than in._

It was an awful noise, the gagging of his throat before the few contents of his stomach hit the bottom of the trash bin. His throat burned just as it did last night, the acid setting his mouth on fire and the muscles of his stomach ached as they worked every disgusting calorie, every grain of salt, every damn bit of sugar sweetness out of his body, and before long, there was nothing left. He felt empty and feather light once more, just as it should be.

As the remainder hit the bottom with a disgusting trickle, Ciel sat silent, heaving, listening the the minute fizz as his bile settled at the bottom of the trash bin. He had only heard stories of people who had binged, how they had felt so ashamed in the aftermath, felt vile, disgusting, like they were washing all of their hard work get flushed down the toilet. Ciel, however, could only feel liberated. There it was, all of his missteps, the evident of his careless mistake, frothing at the bottom of the trash. It was like it had never even happened.

He sighed as he finally felt strong enough to push himself up from his knees before he drug himself up to his bed, his body relaxing as he sank into the plush mattress. He was tempted to just drift off, let his body float in a dreamlike state, before a quiet knock resonated through his room.

"Ciel? Are you okay?" Angelina asked as she tried the nob. Locked.

"Go away." The young man groaned in response, his throat raw. He didn't have time for her misplaced sympathy, not now. All he wanted to do was sleep until it was time to see his Sebastian again.

"Do you need water or anything?"

"I need you to go away!" A sharp sigh was heard from the other side of the door, followed by furious footsteps as Angelina went about whatever it was she did at home all day. Probably thinking of more fattening, greasy food to try to force down his throat.

_No. No more. You have to work harder now than you ever have. You want to keep your man, don't you? _The voice whispered.

He did, and he would. He wouldn't be his mother, sinking his claws into a man before getting comfortable, getting content, getting _fat._

* * *

It was hours before Ciel had awoke to the sound of his phone vibrating beneath his pillow. He checked the display, frowning as a number he didn't recognize flashed across the screen.

_ Hey beautiful. Its Sebastian, I got ur number from Alois. We still on for tonight?_

He took only a moment to note that the sun had already began to sink beneath the treeline, the moon already hanging high in the twilight. The clock on his phone flashed 8 o'clock, and Ciel couldn't help by be curious as to where Sebastian planned on taking him so late in the evening.

_Where are we going?_

_ Its a surprise. What's your address?_

Ciel quickly type out a reply, his stomach exploding into butterflies. His first real date, only a few days into his college career, with a gorgeous man.

_Be ready in an hour. I cant wait to see you._

Ciel practically jumped up from the comfort of his bed, nearly kicking over the trash bin and the mess within, before rushing to his closet. For all of his lazing, he hadn't even considered what to wear, or if it even mattered.

_Idiot, of course it matters. Wear something sexy._

Sexy? What sexy clothes did he own that Sebastian hadn't already seen? Precious little seemed to stand out, he noted as he carded through the many hangers lining his closet. Too old, too casual, too dressy, everything seemed to fall short in his eyes.

_Jesus, just pick something. _A bolt of red caught his eye, and he grabbed it before anxiety caused him to change his mind. He couldn't help but admire the way the soft material slid between his fingers before he slung the garment over his shoulder as he pulled out a pair of black leggings, ingeniously designed to look sleek and wet, as though the material were painted to his skin with fresh ink.

He easily burned an hour between showering, shaving, getting dressed and grooming. He nearly brushed his teeth until the bled to rid himself of the horrid taste and smell of stomach acid, combed his hair into three similar-yet-wholly-different styles, adjusted his clothes countless times, and when the doorbell rang, he still didn't feel ready.

Ciel had managed to beat Angelina to the door, but only just barely. She eyed him critically from the doorway of the kitchen, wielding a black plastic spatula as though it were a weapon. Ciel paid her no mind as he quickly opened the door. Sebastian stood on the covered porch, hands tucked nervously into the pocket of his hoodie as he took in Ciel's appearance, his trailing the exposed flesh of his flat stomach.

Ciel felt flush under the attention, and his mouth practically watered in his appraisal of Sebastian. He didn't think he could ever get tired of those carmine eyes, that hair, the body that was unjustly hidden beneath a hooded sweatshirt.

"You look great." And what would he do without that voice, deep and resonating, sending chills throughout his entire body.

"So do you." Ciel replied shyly as he stepped outside, shutting the door behind him.

"Are you ready to go? I have something I really want you to see."

* * *

"What the hell, Sebastian, you brought me to school?" Ciel couldn't hide his disappointment as Sebastian pulled his car into the parking lot of Weston's campus. The last place he wanted to be was at school, especially so late at night. The hum of the orange lamps lining the parking lot grated on his nerves, and the moon above had cast eery shadows across the dark, empty quad.

"Chill out, and hurry up." Sebastian had replied before pulling Ciel toward the empty building. The darkness seemed to consume them as the orange lights faded into the distance behind them, and the only thing that broke the silence was the crunch of dying leaves beneath their feet. The main building of Weston College toward over them, and Sebastian pulled him around a corner before they finally stopped running. Without a word, the older male pushed Ciel toward the cold brick wall, where he could only just barely make out the outline of a maintenance ladder, leading up, up, up into more dense darkness.

"Sebastian, what's going on?" Ciel asked, panic rising in his throat. He hated surprises, and there was no telling what was on the other end of that ladder. He wasn't even sure if they were actually _allowed _to be here.

Sebastian didn't respond. He only wrapped his arms around Ciel's waist and lowered his lips to his ear. "Just trust me." He whispered. "It's just a little further."

The younger male shivered as the words hit his ear, and as Sebastian's warmth seemed to seep through his clothes, through his skin, heating his to the very bone. It was cruel what he was asking him to do now, when all Ciel wanted to do was say to hell with the date, pull him back to the parking lot, and make good use of the back seat of his car. Instead, he pushed forward, pulling himself up each freezing rung of the ladder, trusting the Sebastian was right behind him.

The idea had struck him during a lazy night of drinking warm beer and watching old movies with Claude. Sebastian couldn't remember how they had gotten on the topic of Ciel, but they had, and Claude had asked what he would do if Ciel _had_ given him a second chance.

_"I don't know, dude." He had slurred, running a hand through his hair. "I think something romantic. Something I wouldn't do for anyone else. Maybe like a picnic with candles or some shit."_

And that was exactly what he ended up doing, and, if the look of utter awe that graced Ciel's rounded face was any indication, he had done a pretty good job.

The roof of the main building was covered with gravel, so Sebastian had laid down the thickest, softest blanket he could find. In its center rested an old wicker basket, covered by a cloth napkin, as well as a bottle of wine. Surrounding the blanket were a multitude of tea candles, all giving off a soft, romantic glow.

"Sebastian..." Ciel sighed, slowly stepping forward as he took in the scenery. From the roof, they could see the whole of the town of Weston, every street lamp, every light from every house, even as far as the city, where the skyline stood out harshly against the night sky.

Sebastian's heart pounded in his chest. He needed Ciel to say something, say anything to attest to how he felt about all that he had done.

"Did you do all of this?" Ciel's voice was barely above a whisper.

"Yeah. I had to try to sneak all this shit up here in one trip so no one would get suspicious." He chuckled nervously. "Do...do you like it?"

Ciel turned to face him, full lips pulled up into a gentle smile.

"I love it."

* * *

They had passed the hours eating (picking at) the meal Sebastian had packed, chicken alfredo that he had made himself, as well as sipping (backwashing) white wine. Between bites they bantered back and forth, asking about one another and sharing awful jokes.

_Just keep talking and he'll be none the wiser._

"So, why the roof? Why not the park or the beach?" Ciel asked, setting down the tupperware container that held his meal.

"Well the park has cops, and the beach would have been way too cold."

"What about you're room?"

"We'd be way too busy with _other things_ to talk or eat." Sebastian smirked, and Ciel bit at his bottom lip to stop the smile the was threatening to cross his lips. "Actually, this place is kind of special to me." Sebastian continued before taking a sip at his wine. "I had a rough time when I was a freshman. In high school, I would be so busy with sports, and the teachers understood. They would give me breaks, let me turn in assignments late, would let me slip by if I forgot a few papers. But here, I was just another student, a number, the rules weren't bent for me anymore. It was a hell of a wake-up call."

"Aw, poor baby." Ciel replied sarcastically, pinching Sebastian's cheek. The older male just chuckled as he pulled the tiny hand away from his face and held it in his own, his thumb gently stroking the back of Ciel's hand.

"Yeah, well, I had gotten it together for a while. Passed most of my classes with at least a B, staying up late to do homework after practice. You have any idea how hard it is to write a paper while on the bus to an away game?" Ciel couldn't help but notice how, even though he was facing the skyline of the city, Sebastian seem to be focused on nothing at all. It was as though he was lost in his own mind, in the memories of the not-so-distant past, and Ciel couldn't help but feel all the more interested in what had happened while he was away. "I did pretty well for a while, but the stress was just too much. Before long, I just said fuck it. Started hanging around the frat houses, getting drunk, taking things I probably shouldn't have been taking. I even thought about flunking out.

"But I had this one professor. Fucking Professor William T. Spears. He was this really straight-laced, snobby guy, you know, the ones that sit in their studies with a Cuban cigar and a tumbler of whiskey. A real Wall Street type. He pulled me aside one day a brought me up here, and said something that, to this day, still speaks to me. He said, there are hundreds, thousands of people living in that town, in that city, and each and every one of them have it worse than you."

Ciel nearly choked. "Jesus, that's harsh."

"Yeah, that guy was a dick. But he was right." Sebastian pointed out into the distance, at one of the many flickering lights of the windows. "See, they could be going through a divorce, and they could have just lost a kid, and that one could have just been fired from his job, and here I am, crying because I can't keep my grades together. It was eye-opening, in a way. Every time I think about giving up and flunking out, I remember that they have it worse, but they're still pushing forward, so I can too. I mean, I'm only at a C average, but it could be worse. It could always be worse."

The two sat in somber silence. Ciel didn't know what to make of Sebastian's confession. It had shattered the picture of the older male that he had created for himself over the past 8 years. It was hard to picture Sebastian as anything less than perfect, less than a Greek God with charm and a sense of humor and a killer smile. He had been broken once too, he had hit rock bottom once too, and Ciel simply didn't know what to make of that information.

Fortunately, Sebastian broke the tense silence as he rose his glass. "I feel like we should toast to something. Isn't that what people do when they drink wine? Toast?"

"It sounds like we should toast to Professor Spears." Ciel smirked as the older male grimaced.

"No, fuck that guy." he replied, before his lips curled into a smile. "How about, we toast to us. To a great night together."

Ciel's smile widened as the two touched their glasses together, the small clink almost melodic in the quiet of the night.

"Ciel..."Sebastian began, biting his lips nervously. "I don't want this to be it. I don't want to leave here tonight and go back to the way things were."

"Then what do you want?" Ciel knew the answer. He could tell by the Sebastian's eyes met his, by the way he wouldn't let go of his hand, by the way he went through _all of this_ for a first date.

"I want to be _with _you."

* * *

Goodnight.


End file.
